If You See Me On The Game With My Crew Believe I’m On My P’s & Q’s...

I was listening to a playlist I have named Uni Days and this Kano song popped up...

I thought ok my life aint like that of the talented Mr. Robinson but I can relate to having to be on my grind in a way dissimilar to many that surround me. You better believe it! Time waits for no (wo)man and I am no exception. Recently, I have been wallowing a bit and revelling in the blah-ness but the year is fast approaching it's climax and I don't want mine to be an anti-climax. I gotsta get back on my grind! So in the past week I have revamped the CV (yet again) to take account of my new activities, details of which will drop in 2010. I am so excited and absorbed in the new direction of my life, thank you God. I'm getting in contact with people I have met networking which is a bit scary but I am thinking it will certainly be worth it and I am filing out these applications like a pro. I'm not there yet but 2010 promises to be great!

Kano's song brings to mind a conversation I had a while back with a guy I know who had a million and one excuses for being a wasteman. These included coming from a deprived area (mate, we come from the same place) and the 'system' being against him. Errr, no. He just needed to get his mind out of the 'hustler', street mentality that was keeping him bound to a life going nowhere, and I told him so. Needless to say, that did not go down too well but he needed to hear it. His bad attitude will never get him anywhere. You work with the system, while understanding it and working within it, often you can change it and in the process become master of your own situation. Say your P's & Q's...pay your dues...do what you gotsta do.


And my posse of good mates work with this attitude too, we got goals and places to be...Ms. Lawyerlady is ever onwards and upward bound...I believe that the house will soon come. My Sister From Another Mother is nearing the end of her degree and I am sooo proud. I think possibly some people have been pleasantly surprise but not I—I always had faith in her to see this through. Love her to bits! Fly-Ass Single Mama is gearing up to begin her master's with or without baby daddy help! And my sis is getting ready to walk down the aisle. Another lil' Mama, Friday's 'Fro is also making tracks and another good friend with a baby will be re-entering education armed with a solid career plan. 2010 should be big for Ms. Design, Sankofa and Afrocentric too.

No time for slacking in 2010. I love the fact that I don't roll with waste when there is honestly so much waste out there! I'm surrounded by a good set of people and we are all on our P's & Q's in order to get where we are going, believe that!

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n.b. 'Mind your p's and q's' is an English expression which means mind your manners/says you pleases and thank yous.

It Shall, It Shall Come To Pass...

Today I spoke to a past love *sigh* and took a well worn trip down memory lane. You see in one of my 'spring clean my life' moments I had deleted him from my phone, facebook, yada-yada, the whole shebang, we're talking the full nine-yards. Me and this dude would just always seem to be having issues, mostly trust issues. There was a time in my life when he was the only person I really depended on emotionally and I think as is usually the case, such relationships eventually become unhealthy in all manner of ways. Anyhoo, he was involved in a lifestyle that I did not agree with. He is a smart and personable man and I just didn't understand why he would stay living the way he was. But he believed it worked for him and made him happy. The whole time I was convinced he was most certainly NOT happy and that manifested itself in that he became a more and more ugly human being inside as time went on. I watched my once shy, smart friend and *sigh* lover become a nasty caricature of his former self. Believe me that was painful in more ways than one.

The one ray of hope I had about his life and the misery it had made of him is that he started to talk to me about church, he was clearly interested but very cynical. Just so he could be happy again and be that guy that I first started talking to, and reach the potential that I always saw. Maaaaan, I used to pray and I do mean pray for this guy to change. I dunno if I can get a witness to the kind of deep heart-wrenching, pleading, promising prayers that I mean. If not I'll just leave you to imagine it. But as time passed, I went from believing so hard, to praying less fervently until one day, I dunno when, I just stopped praying for him altogether.

Now if you have been keeping up with me you'd know that I've been tryna end my year on a positive note by yet again spring cleaning my life and on a whim I searched his facebook profile (reading this back is soooo making me think, stalker alert! Stalker alert!). Then I decided to poke him and then I pretty much went back to my life and forgot about him. A couple days ago I get a facebook message saying 'hey I lost your number' so I sent the number over and got a call today while at work. Just before I had 'spring-cleaned' him from my life our convo's always decended into bitching fests, either him getting ugly truths out of me about himself or other people or vice versa. So it got to the point where I had once enjoyed speaking to him from 10pm til 7am (yes, this really did happen, talk about a couple of jobless students!) now a half-an-hour convo would drive me up the wall. It'd go a little like this...

Nameless: Hey, Nsoromma you monkey wot u doing...

Nsoromma: If i'm a monkey why are you calling me? It's 2am WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME. I'm doing nothing, why?

Nameless: Are you at home? Come and see me, man. I wanna see you.

Nsoromma: Errrrr...IT'S 2 IN THE F***ING MORNING MAN. I'm not leaving my house. Get lost. What do you want?

Nameless: Ah, man nothing. You're on a long ting. Just wondering how ur ugly friend is, innit?

Nsoromma: Who is ugly? Piss off man.

Nameless: So is she still the leader of ur crew? Tehehe.

Nsoromma: Huh? Ur chatting rubbish man, ur so dumb. Who talks about crews and stuff? How old are you? You were bullied as a kid, innit?

Nameless: U wish u were like me as a kid about, I don't even know why I'm talking to you your so dumb. You got a freshie man yet? Only a freshie ever would want you...

Etc, etc...

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah, so not so eventually I stopped taking his calls and he stopped calling. But just to remind you trips down memory lane were rosy, there was a time when we could stand each other and that is what probably prompted both the poke from me and the call from him. Here's a snippet of today's convo...

Nameless: Hey Nsoromma. How you doing?

Nsoromma: I'm alright you know, how are you?

Nameless: I'm cool just changing my life, I got saved

Nsoromma: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?! Ahhhhhhh! For real? When? Congrats, hun!

Nameless: Yeah thanks. Back in October, just tryna get my life on track.

Nsoromma: Oh wow!

Nameless: I know. But what you been up to man. It's been ages. Been wondering how you are.

Nsoromma: I'm good,....

I can see a change even in how he speaks! He's now saved and it shows. I was on break at work when we spoke and I could have exploded with joy at that one statement. 6 years on after my tearfilled prayer. If you don't know, get to know, prayer changes things! Whatever you been praying for, or like me whatever you have prayed for and forgotten...it shall come to pass! P.U.S.H. (pray until something happens) people!

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I’m Just Tryna Be Me Doing What I Gotta Do, Some People Think That I’m Just Sitting On Top Of The World...

Hey! After claiming I wouldn't go MIA again, here I am again having to write yet another apology note for not being here. So sorry, shame on me! Now...

I love my boy Journey's blog The Soul Of It All (you need to check it out) and reading him got me to thinking about my life and my blog. Recently I spoke to an erhm, friend of mine who really made me feel quite shame. Simply because he says I moan a lot. Actually let me be fair to his speech/lecture, he says in the past two years he cannot remember me not complaining and that is all I ever do. I'd be a liar if I didn't tell you that that convo (again, no, it was a lecture, the likes of which I haven't heard since I left uni!) bruised my ego and much as I tried to convince him that actually I am well aware of my blessings, he was not having a bar of it. I was branded a moaner and that was that!

For once, I decided to take on board his comments and use them to really analyse the way I behave. Usually, it takes me a good few days to move past the blind denial and tenderly poke at my superego until I notice what is really going on. But alas, I am way to tired and fed up to be so kind to myself. So I thought, am I a moaner?

Short answer: yes I am! Oh no!

Long answer: different people see different sides of me. Generally, I try to show the real me to everyone but different people get different facets of my personality. Some people think I am on such a hype that I may be secretly medicated while my family believe I have severely depressive tendencies. The honest truth is that, like most other people, I occupy that wonderful murky quagmire that we call life in varying shades of grey. I was a bit upset that my erhm friend, could not really understand that the reason he is privy to that side of me is because I consider him to be close to me. I don't moan to all and sundry about my life (excluding my Monday Rants to the blogosphere, obviously!). It made me realise two things, one, I need to balance up the many parts of myself to make a less fragmented whole and two, he probably doesn't deserve for me to keep him so close if he doesn't get that.

I have many blessings, some of which I listed as I signed off my last post...I'm not going to list them again as my very English upbringing finds such things more than vaguely embarrassing and slightly distasteful. But I have many things to thank my God for and really I think I will do so more often. HOWEVER,

Life has been hard recently, harder than I expected. But such is life, anaa? I know I don't have half the problems of some other friends and Fly-Ass Single Mama is such an inspiration to me. She doesn't even know this! I don't know if I have her strength but I'm learning. All I know is I am a work in process. But back to Journey...he was talking about having finally reached a place where he can reflect on his past hurts and be content. I read through a lot of what he was going through. I'm now at that uncomfortable place where I wish I was with someone but I am not so stupid that I don't realise that I am just not ready right now. But something Journey wrote really resonated with me...

'But we were only that tight because we took the time to grow into each other. I knew enough about her to feel comfortable, to trust her and to love freely...Allow yourself to naturally choose her so being with her comes naturally.'

Preachhhhhhhhhhhh! Where am I rushing to? I think I (was going to say girls and make this general but, no, I'ma finally own my own mistakes) am tooooo fast! I mean I jump from potential into a thing without giving it time to grow. So now I'm thinking of a certain Foneshop boy who is a dear, dear friend, with potential, but still only a friend. And I like it that way, who knows where the potential will lead but right about now I need time to myself! In fact, Journey is also an inspiration because I feel like I've seen him come through the pain to a healthier version of himself. I am so excited! Because one day, in the not too distant future, that will be me! But for now, I'm just tryna be me, doing what I gotta do...

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Life Check

Hey people,

Sorry that I've been M.I.A. for while I've had a huge emotional and relationship drama recently. I don't intend to give you the full long-ass painful story right here (although that doesn't mean it won't come out anyway). Just know that I actually miss my little blog world, but life has been so hard that something had to give, and virtual friends was it (sorry!).

But I'm back now, so I'll be posting here and on Life...and Living It regularly again and keeping up with my blog friends, too. However, before I go, a question:

Why is it that life never hands out to the deserving what they deserve and gives the undeserving waaaay to many chances?

To my ex, who I know doesn't read this as he doesn't know it exists(!),

I loved you soooo much that just the thought of possibly being around you filled me with joy unspeakable. No man had ever made me feel so special or opened me up so completely. I trusted you even when everyone warned me not to and offered you my soul. I'm sure people have been hurt before and that I am neither the first nor the last to feel like this. But for some reason I feel so alone, when I think of what you did I feel physically ill. I rarely get through the day without thinking of you and how worthless you made me feel. Whenever I have a happy moment, behind it are shades of misery. I take sharp intakes of breath and double over in private when I remember you. I promised you I will never forget you, and I won't. But I hope to God that something happens to take away the pain I'm living with. You treated me to a life check. You made me pause and re-evaluate my life and myself. At first it was ugly; I hated myself and was willing to do whatever it took to change myself, not to be with you because I would never have you back, but to make myself into the kind of person who would never be treated so shabbily again. I contemplated things that have never even flitted through my mind before because of you and as much as it hurt me, I thank God I did. You treated me to a life check I will never forget. I will never be that girl again because of you.

I will never again be so young, so dumb, so naive, so gullible and so damn stupid. But the life check you gave me meant that I opened myself up to my friends, my true friends and after the self hate I came to appreciate the people I have in my life. You hurting me helped them to help me count my blessings. So I don't hate me anymore, so thank you. After all the crying, and self-loathing, and man-hating, dust and sackcloth music, I thank you. To my girls: Sankofa, Afrocentric and Friday's 'Fro...thank you for your support, my sister, my cousin, Ms. Lawyerlady, Ms. Design, Foneshop Boy, Dodgy Boy, Fly-Ass Single Mamma and everyone else who helped to pick the shattered shards of my self-esteem off the floor, I thank you.

This is a painful and long-ass process but I can see the other side. Already I have made some positive changes. It's all about perspective. I am a master's holding, house-owning, smart, forward-thinking, sexy, beautiful, blessed young woman with many good years ahead of me. And you just missed out on a DAMN GOOD thing. Keep walking partner, I wish you well. As Dodgy boy said of you, you were just a squatter tryna make a permanent home out of my palace. So now, be gone!


Now to the blogosphere...I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! BTW, check out my girl's blog Rantings of a Manhater. I'm sure you'll like it!

Monday Rant!

As promised this is you second installment of the silly calamities that befall me on Monday's so here goes...

When I arrived at work I realised that I had somehow managed to set the time on my brand new phone to the wrong time. And since my real time is unfortunately troubled by GMT (Ghana Man Time), I spend most of my life running late. So today I bolted into work like demons were chasing me, as in, I ran all the way from the evil Jubilee Line platform to my workplace. Huffing and puffing like an old goat only to discover I was TWO WHOLE HOURS early. I could have cried! THEN on the way home I managed to be the ONLY PERSON in a crowd to get splashed when the bus we had waited twenty minutes for decided not to stop. When I finally got to my door I was near tears, such was my happiness just imagining the warmth on the other side, except my mum had left her keys in the door from inside so I couldn't unlock it from the outside. The doorbell is broken so I stood knocking on my own front door for AN HOUR. While my mum enjoyed an hour-long call to Ghana, her mobile was dead and the house phone was obviously engaged. Grrr!

Silver lining: The new fone I got on Sunday means I no longer have to carry a spare battery and a charger everywhere I go. Yay for me!

I Just Don't Have The Words

I compose stanzas in rhyme
I write verses of sweet prose
I sing lyrics of all genres
I recite and conjure poems
I pronounce decries like a queen
And think up complicated solioquies
But for some reason
I am never eloquent enough
To get you to understand
What my heart is screaming.

What Is The World Coming To?!?!

I was doing my daily trawl through BBC News when I came across a story that made me feel genuinely ill. A 16 year old (yes, remember I said a 16 year-old) boy has been detained to face 3 years in custody for the kidnap and rape of a 5 year-old child.

But that's not all folks!

He committed this offence just 8 days after being released from custody for raping a seven year-old. Seriously, I am aghast! What is the world coming to? How can a teenager rape a child? How can that teenager be allowed to walk free? How can the same said teenage kidnap a child and commit the same offence again? This beggars belief! What are the authorities doing?!?!

I want to know who was in charge of this teenager. But I don't even know who to be sorry for. Is it those who clearly cannot control this boy, are they afraid or just bad at their jobs? Is it the boy? I mean what kind of twisted, miserable person does such thing, and so young! The boy must have the deepest of issues. It doesn't excuse the behaviour but I cannot help but feel this boy is probably well deserving of my pity.

But most of all my heart goes out to the two children, attacked because of the deranged mind of someone only a little older than them. Rape is a horrible thing to have to deal with. How much more so for children so young? I pray that they get through it.

An upset Nsoromma xXx

Monday Rant!

This is going to be a new and somewhat bizarre feature to my blog...I'm calling it my Monday rant. Just because Monday's are the crappiest days ever. It's always the day work feels agonisingly horrible or the day you go out without an umbrella and get caught in a downpour or something. So here goes my first (of many) Monday rant.

Today was abysmally crap. As in I woke up late, my bus was late my Train cancelled and the tube seriously delayed. ALSO, it's so frigging cold and true to form I lost one glove so one hand froze. Oh joy! THEN, I was speaking to a cute guy flashing him all of my pearly whites, only to release when I looked down that my fly was open...Lordy! Man....I hate Mondays!

N.B. But one a much, much brighter note I just checked my mail and I have a job interview on Friday! Woo-hoo!

Book Review: ‘A Thousand Splendid Suns’ by Khaled Hosseini

Recently I have been in a bit of a reading frenzy to alleviate some of the current boredom and drudgery of the life of a job hunter. I had almost forgotten how much I enjoy reading, but it's all come back now. So much so that I have read 4 books in two weeks! I reviewed one of them over on my other blog, Life...and Living It, which you can check out here. So here comes my second book review since I was, like 13 or something. Lol. Hope you like it!

Title: A Thousand Splendid Suns

Author: Khaled Hosseini

First published: 2007

Story: The book set, in Afghanistan, starts with Mariam, who is a harami (tr. Bastard, illegitimate child) living an isolated life in a hut on the outskirts of a small village with her sick mother. Mariam and her mother are outcasts due to her mother's illness and Mariam's illegitimacy and this has left her mother a bitter, spiteful old woman. Mariam's father is a wealthy man of Herat with three wives and ten legitimate children who comes to visit his daughter once a week. Despite her mother's disapproval, Mariam builds a strong relationship with her father. Following a broken promise from her father for Mariam's fourteenth birthday, the child sets out to find her dad. With her mother's threats and pleadings that she cannot survive even a day without her daughter ringing in her ears, Mariam leaves the village, somehow making her way to her father's house in Herat. She refuses to leave until she sees him but he will not see her. The following day, after spending the night sleeping in front of his house, she is chauffeured home, where she is met with the suicide of her mother. In the midst of Mariam's blame-filled mourning her father and his wives arrange for her to marry a widower many years her senior and be hurriedly moved to Kabul to keep her harami shame from them. Married life starts off relatively well for her and her husband, Rasheed, who is kind and caring towards her. He is especially attentive when she falls pregnant and eager for a boy to replace the one who died from his first wife. Mariam miscarries and suddenly Rasheed changes towards her. He becomes brutal and harsh, and this worsens with the passage of time and each of her six further miscarriages.

The story then cuts to the life of Laila, an outstandingly beautiful and intelligent girl born to a teacher and his wife who live on the same street as Rasheed and Mariam. She was born amid political changes in Afghanistan when the Soviet's took over and many Afghan men go to jihad (tr. Holy war) against the new Soviet order including her two older brothers when she is just two years old. Under the Soviet's women, particularly in metropolitan areas like Kabul, have many freedoms to teach and to learn and Laila's dad encourages his daughter to take advantage of this. By the time she is nine, her mother resents her father for allowing the boys to go fight jihad while he stayed home. She pays Laila no attention, instead keeping vigil for her sons. So Laila grows up with the love of her father and Tariq, her childhood friend. When word reaches them that the boys have died, Laila's mother falls apart and tells her daughter the only reason she has not killed herself is so she can stay in Kabul to see the day when her son's enemies are defeated. Eventually the day comes that the Soviet's are pushed out of Afghanistan the Mujahideen many factions that fought against them come together to form an interim government. This does not last and soon they are fighting amongst themselves along ethnic lines. This fighting ravages Kabul and people close to Laila and Tariq are killed or run to neighbouring Pakistan for safety. When Tariq comes to Laila to tell her that his family are also about to leave, things become emotional and end up sleeping together. He asks her to marry and come with him but she cannot leave her father alone with her bitter, resentful mother because she is all he has left. So he leaves and she is shattered. Then after Laila is almost shot a few weeks later her mother decides that she can reluctantly leave Kabul and the family plan to go the same route as Tariq's did. Laila is estatic, believing that she will be able to find Tariq but in the middle of leaving, a rocket falls on their house and her parents are killed.

The orphaned fifteen year-old and now partially deaf Laila, comes to live in the household of Mariam and Rasheed. Rasheed decides that he will take Laila as a second wife and after a visitor come to tell Laila that Tariq died in a rocket explosion. Despite Mariam's pleas to her husband and anger at Laila, the girl agrees to the marriage immediately as she has realised that she is pregnant. Rasheed is as loving and caring to Laila as he was to Mariam in her first pregnancy, even more so in fact due to her outstanding beauty. However, Laila gives birth to a girl, Aziza, and Rasheed is furious and turns against Laila just as he did to Mariam. Over time Mariam begins to bond with the Aziza and in this way to two wives become close. They plan to run away but are caught in the process and returned to Rasheed who beats them senseless. Meanwhile the political situation is Afghanistan is charged because a generation of religious Afghan's raised in Pakistan have come together to put an end to the Mujahideen infighting and put Afghanistan back together, they are the Taliban. When the Taliban finally arrive in Kabul people are happy and hopeful that the fortunes of Afghanistan are finally turning. The Taliban rule turns out to be worse than that of the Mujahideen warlords, there are massive restrictions on freedom such as having to practise Islam or face death, and no frivolous activities such as singing, dancing or watching TV are allowed. Women specifically had even further restrictions, they were forbidden to work, must wear a burqa (tr: full body covering, showing only the eyes) as opposed to a hijab (tr. Headscarf), forbidden to go to school, to leave the house without familial male escort and are even forbidden to laugh in public. In this context the unhappy Laila falls pregnant again and this time bares him his longed-for son, Zalmai, after this he has no further interest in her. But the country is facing a three-year draught induced famine and when Rasheed's shop burns down the family are soon fighting starvation. The situation gets so bad that Laila is forced to send Aziza to an orphanage and when Rasheed will not take her she has to sneak her way there often beaten badly for being out without a male escort.

A man comes to visit when Rasheed is out at work and Zalmai immediately takes a disliking to him. When Laila turns to see who it is, she realises it Tariq. Rasheed had paid a man to come and tell Laila Tariq was dead because he had wanted to marry her. When Rasheed returns from work Zalmai tells his father about Tariq showing up at which point Rasheed locks his son in a room and proceeds to beat Laila with the buckle side of his belt but Mariam jumps on him raining punches. When he turns to fight her, Laila smashes something into his head so he turns to strangle her, even with Mariam punching him from behind he keeps on, even when Laila's face turns blue. So Mariam gets a shovel and hits him hard once and then again when she realises that he will kill them all. The second blow is fatal. Mariam tells Laila that she and the children must run away with Tariq to Pakistan but she must stay behind and own up to Rasheed's murder or else they will all be hunted down and killed. Laila is distraught but Mariam is okay because she did it for Laila and the children to be free. Laila and her children leave with Tariq and Mariam is executed for her crime. Laila and Tariq marry when the reach Pakistan and live there until the Taliban is beaten by the allied forces. Following this they return to help rebuild their country.

Review: I do not have the tendency to cry when I read a book or watch a film that is sad but with this book I was sorely tempted. It is a beautifully crafted tale, complexly and expertly written. It tells a political history, a societal history, and a love story all at the same time but amazingly I feel that no one story loses out. By the end of this book I understood a bit more the political complexities that exist in Afghanistan and how and why the ordinary Afghan may feel conflicted over what is happening there. This side is told in a non-judgemental way that does not feel as though it is trying to make excuses for people it just explains and leaves me to come to my own conclusions. The social history of women in Afghanistan is also well chronicled in this book and Hosseini makes a good case in this book for the plight of women in his country. And although I do not disagree with what his book is saying about the maltreatment of women I feel it is slightly preachy on this. Or perhaps it is the way is should seem in the context of the story of two women? Nonetheless, I stand by my view that on this issue the book is a bit preachy and I must admit that if I had read the book without knowing the author I would have immediately guessed it was written by a man. The accounts are as honest as they can be but the complaint of how women were treated seems to more like those that would come from a man who empathises with their position then from a woman who lived it. The love story too is complex. Laila's story shows how love for your family and your children interplays with the way people are allowed to live their life and can constrain them from the most direct route to the happiness that is staring them in the face. I like that. It makes the love story real somehow. It's not just a case of star-crossed lovers overcoming their obstacles and love wins out in the end, or they die heroically for their love. Instead once they finally get together, Laila and Tariq still have to deal with the losses that brought them to that point. The death of their parents, the effects of Tariq's troubles on his health, the pain of guilt for lying to Zalmai about the truth of his father's death and the guilt for the sacrifice Mariam made for them all, all of these things make their love story more real and beautiful in the context of the world they lived in. I applaud Hosseini for this book which is a good way to make the average 'westerner' open his eyes and mind to what actually happened to Afghanistan, telling him things about the conflict that he otherwise would not have known. It is so unfortunate that this book will forever be compared to Hosseini's first book because I think it comes second to it. I prefer his first book, The Kite Runner, if I am honest, but nevertheless this is a thoroughly uncomfortable but damn good read. I put it down only to sleep or go to work and read the 360+ pages in less than two days!

Ratings: I give this book four little nsoromma's out of five. (4/5 stars)

The Obama Silence Is Deafening

My girl Agnes Agyapong has reminded me of something which had slipped my mind today, shockingly...

Today marks a year since Barack Obama came to office and the world went collectively mad. I think I should remind people of the fever pitch that had spread from America and affected the world. Liberal American's seemed to think that the Democrats had somehow got a black Jesus running for them, African's claimed him as one of their own because he is half-Kenyan and therefore about to drag the continent out of it's abject poverty and us Brits...well I don't really know why but Obamamania had us to in it's clutches and refused to let go. People were hosting Obama parties, in fact I have never seen Brits embrace American's in quite this way, we don't tend to respect American's, at least not so effusively in the open. But here it was! The Obama, 'Yes we can' magic was breathtaking in that manner.

Now a year on...all I hear is deafening silence. Agnes argues that the silence is because people have realised that Obama is not God come to save us all. I must say I tend to agree, but also I think people being people are always circling like sharks after building up someone so high. On the one hand, there are those who always detested him and that rose as his popularity did. Then on the other hand, there were people who were so so influenced by the hype they really did believe he would be some single-handed world messiah. There were so many people in each camp that a year on there are enough of the unrealistic and disappointed to mingle with those who never liked Obama and what results is this resounding and sullen silence and disinterest. All I can say as a mild supporter is that I am glad of the silence because now people might leave him some space to do what he wanted to do so now 'yes WE (as in everyone) can'!

Disappointment, and other stories

So Sunday was my boyfriend's birthday and they day I lost my mind. It's been a long time since I've been so thoroughly disappointed. I planned to spend the day with him and he told me that he would be at home all day so that was cool. Yay. I was ecstatic, as in pure euphoria. I've never been so damn happy to spend time with another human being IN MY LIFE. Like ever. Well as I say this I'm sure that I've probably felt close to this before. Really close but this was different. This was amazing, my heart was doing little running leaps and skipping every so often just thinking about this amazing quality time we were finally going to have together. My planning and preparation for this day had been in a word, crap. I mean end of the month/beginning of the month time is when all the direct debits come out and you realise that you must really get out of debt (this is not my portion, I am in the middle of sorting out my debt-free plan thanx to this blog). Nonetheless I gathered as much money (that I do not have) together as I could to try a give this boy something that shows how much I care.

At first I was gonna get him this really nice scarf (that a mate could get with a discount for me, can I get a hallelujah!), but then I realised he has something very similar. Darn it! Then I decided that I would send him a poem that I saw on Love Affair with Words which shows just how I feel sometimes when I'm with him but can't explain even half as eloquently. BTW, if you haven't please check out her blog, chick is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. Honest. Anyway, I'm running around like a headless chicken finding a beautiful frame to put this amazing poem in. Then I find it, perfect size and everything! So i'm in my happy glow when I call Afrocentric and tell her a little bit of my plans for the day and generally give her my love as she's been feeling poorly (get well soon my sugar banana!). So I had texted him earlier to say I'd call after church so I call and get no response. Ok cool. I rush home and check what I have at home to cook, oh dear, nothing. So I make a reservation at a nearby(ish) restaurant that I can (just about) afford. I'm tidying up my house and singing along to Christiana Love and Kwaku Gyasi and miss his call by about 15 minutes. I call back. No response. Ok cool, turn my music back up and continue my happy caterwauling then my mum tells me she's off to work a night shift and I'll see her tomorrow morning. So I check my clock, an hour has passed since my call back. I call again, no response. *sigh* I'm starting to get a little irritated, I hate waiting. Plus he said he had nothing doing today so what the hell?!

To cut a long-ass story short, the little prick doesn't show and doesn't call either, even though my calls continue. No longer am I just seeing what's up, by the end of the night I'm just pissed off and upset and confused. Oh and did I mentioned, I'm seriously pissed off. His ass is soo lucky he never turned his phone off or cancelled a call or full scale war would have broken out.

Now I'm not (well at least I don't think I am) an unreasonable lass, sure on your birthday you are free to do as you wish. BUT, if you say you are going to see someone then the least you can do is let them know you can't make it. And if that someone is your girlfriend then it should be a call, an apology and an explanation. In that order. And to add some context for those of you who are still insisting I am being unreasonable, read this post add to that the fact that I haven't seen him in A MONTH even though we live pretty much in the same area. Now tell me I'm being unreasonable.

Herein lays stories of disappointment, embarrassment, confusion, self-loathing, pain and anger.

I haven't explained the self-loathing have I? Well put it this way...After all of that still
I love him. Fuckeries.

Ensuro Dɛn Ɔtamfo Bɛ Yɛ...

(tr: Do not fear what the enemy will do)

This morning I woke up feeling good with songs of praises and encouragement on my lips African (GH) stylie....

Christiana Love and Kwaku Gyasi - Mesuafre Awurade
I'm loving this song at the moment introduced to me by my girl Sankofa.

Christiana Love - Memma Me Wirenfi
This is also another current fav.

Ama Boahemaa - Awurade Woba Eko
The first (and so far only) time I went to GH, this was one of the gospel songs that was everywhere! I went out and bought the album I was so in love but Aunty Adwoa 'borrowed' it so all I have left is to listen to it on YouTube....

Esther Smith - Ensuro
I'm an Esther Smith fan for days!!!! This woman produces songs that call out to me. Love this one.

Esther Smith - Gye No Di
...And an-o-ther one! Great for worship time.

Esther Smith - Agyidifɔ Ataban
I told you I stan for this lady, this is my fav of all time!

Cindy Thompson - Awurade Kasa
This is a general Ghana gospel great song. You can feel the emotion in this song...she is singing speak to me Lord so my heart can be at rest....

Diana Antwi-Hamilton - Ensi Wo Yie

This is the Diana Hamilton who was my youth choir leader for a lil' while (when I used to inflict my voice on the poor people at FGT!). This was a wonderful day, Diana we need another one!

Kwaku Gyasi - Onyame Aseda Yebebree
This song is so upbeat...enjoy!

Midnight Crew - Igwe
Now for a little Naija flavour, to leave you on a high...you know ur lying if you don't like this song!

Have a blessed day people

xXx NsorommaCOTH
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My Silence

Here's some badly written poetry from my uni days....I'm feeling it today. Whaddya think?

It’s funny but I can’t even talk these days

All I do day by day is hide away

Inside I’m so withdrawn from things.

It’s the only way to stay safe from what life brings.

Something is broken deep down inside

Will it ever fix so I can fling my arms wide?

I want so badly to participate again

But if I’m hurt again will I recover from the pain?

Right now I feel like I’m barely able to breathe.

In this state mere tears is more than I can hope to achieve.

Am I weak Lord to feel like this,

When Jesus, the only righteous Lamb was betrayed with a kiss?

So is this my turn, my betrayal, from one I love?

To hurt me so true when I though he was the hand to my glove?

Or is it more like the trials of your servant Job,

His faith so strong the enemy though he tried couldn’t make him sob.

But am I failing because I weep within?

Is it the trials of faith or penance for sin?

I feel so low and unworthy before you,

Always you loved me but forever I couldn’t stay true.

I’m a failure Lord please forgive your child,

I’ve lost all urges I once had to be wild.

I pray that you’ll grant me your perfect peace,

So the pain will go; and the numbness cease.

By your side and in your will, I aim to depart never,

Because through you alone can I be a happy child forever.

I thank you for all you’ve done for me,

I’m so lucky that my Father you’ll always be!

Image credits

Being A Mate

Recently I have been a tad worried about the kind of friend I am. Situations and life in general have got me so that many people have been left behind and out of my life.

I read the article How to be a better friend on Deliciously Sunsational and it really set my mind to work. Am I the kind of friend I would want? I mean I'm far from perfect and striving to get there everyday but am I really doing enough? So I decided to look at what I want in a friend and see if I fit my own criteria..

1. Trustworthy - This is key...I mean who want's a friend that they can't trust. If I tell you something and I hear about it from someone else then obviously I am going to question our friendship (cue cries of 'how could she do that to me?'). It's a simple enough request but how many of us do this in reality. Sometimes we want perspective on something we have been told by our friend in order to give them better responses which is a fair point, but as a friend should you really be doing that? Other times, people use their 'friendship' with one person as gossip fodder and that can never be right.

2. Honest - I guess this goes hand in hand with being trustworthy, in that a dishonest person is never trustworthy but an honest one might be. Hmmmm...let's take a moment to ponder...A honest person can be untrustworthy??? Oh yes!! For instance I could tell you something which I would rather you didn't share but not put that stipulation on you (because I am assuming you have the common sense to know that I do not want you telling Sarah that I think her boyfriend is an ass even though he is ). When I later ask if it was you who told Sarah my view and you tell me yes then you're honest but cannot keep my business to yourself. Now before people get up in arms, I will happily say I have friends in this category. I prefer the honesty about an inability to keep your mouth shut to the staring deep into my eyes to tell me you would never do such a thing when you have. I have evidence on tape.

3. Available - Now call me needy, self-absorbed, whatever, but if you are supposed to be my friend then when I am rushed to hospital/lost my cat/broke up with my boyfriend/bored or otherwise need you, you don't just become unavailable. Hold on a sec, I'm not a brat, you have a life, I have a life and we both need to live them but the girl who never makes it out to my birthday, never come to see me in hospital and refused to hold my hand when my cat died is NOT my friend. Busy is understandable, permanently unavailable is not.

4. Supportive - Again ties in with emotional availability, I have friends who have been in different continents who have supported me through life better than those who live up the road and round the corner. Being supportive is knowing I have exams sending me an encouraging text and promising to see me for post-exams tears/drinks. The unsupportive friend demands that I come out to the rave her ex-boyfriend's, younger sister's, bestfriend's boyfriend is throwing and saying that failure to attend means the end of our friendship.

5. Brutal - Now that sounds plain wrong! But if my supposed best mate is sleeping with my man, my uncle is hitting on you or you know why my lecturer keeps failing me because my work sucks you must tell me. It's imperative and very, very scary but it has to be done. The people who have kindly and tactful told me the painful brutal truth are people who mean the world to me. Better put, the people who have withheld this kind of information are generally considered scum of the earth material.

Now do I fit these categories? True question, am I? I mean I want to be the model friend and I'd like to tell you that I am. But honestly, I don't believe that to be the case at all. I do fail at each of the stages I am afraid to say but to all myb firneds out there, old and new, I pray that I can work on this part of myself and become the best friend I can be.

Love you all,

Nsoromma...Child of the Heavens xXx

Image Credits

Something To Relieve the Blah-ness...

Hey people,

I know it's been a lil' while. I am still here with a million and one half finished blog posts to my name. I really must finish some of them but I'm feeling a bit...well...blah, for want of a better word. You know the feeling, where you have things to do, don't want to do them, generally melancholy for no genuine definable reason...it's just...blah. You know? Anyhoo, I've been jamming a lot to my music in this introverted period (which may in some part contribute to the blah-ness) and here's one from my cheerie 'summer' pile to keep you (and I) going and away from the blahs until I get on a finish these darn posts.

See ya soon,
N xXx
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Before you look at this, I know i'm wrong but last year on the way to church (OMD on the way to church not less...) I was sitting next to a lady and I caught a glimpse of her feet. Lordy, LORDY, would you cop a look at these bad boys! Her toes were hanging over the edge and talk about hard, dry flakes around her toes...ewwwwww! I resolved to myself then and there as I looked the other way and popped my phone out to take a silence snap that a footfile will be my BFF until I die!

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A Change Is Gon' Come...

Why is it people always try to convince you that a wealth of choices is a good thing. It is not! It is NOT! I feel like I've reached (yet another) critical juncture in my life, with many many choices and I don't know what to do! Here's what I do know (short list):
  1. I know I need a job (as in a proper one, the one I have at the moment sooooo doesn't count). I know I need to keep sending CV's and covering letters, filling out evil application forms and being open about networking my way into a job, but honestly I'm sick of it! I feel like I'm turning circles and getting nowhere.
  2. I know that I need to better organise my time. I never seem to have enough of it, I'm sick of forever running late and forever running low on the energy required to speed me up to catch-up in my own life!
  3. I know that I want to be with this dude. However, I'm not sure if it wise and I don't know how in HELL. I'm going to cope with the BMD (baby-mama drama) which seems sure to follow.
  4. I know that I need to work on my finances. But than that just sends me back into a stress about job hunting....pleeeeeeeeeease let's not go there again, yeah?
  5. I know that I want to work on my relationship with God. This is a no brainer for me I guess because I just have to do it...but then comes up the genuine, 'I have no time' which for some reason always sounds insincere. And I guess if I could become a little more organised...
Come to think of it if I sort out my relationship with God I'd probably be able to sort out all the rest, right? But honestly, it's all so very frustrating! I keep thinking that whatever decision I do make may end up shaping me for life. And that's a scary thought!


I'm such a saddo! Why? Because right now I'm just so darn happy. I mean as I sit here writing this, it's funny because I'm in a room with two other people watching BBC News 24, I'm doing exactly what I spent my 4-hour-shift doing....fantasising about HIM. I can't help it, maaaaaaaaan, I can't help it. But just thinking about him is making me smile. I feel relieved that I'm feeling something again. It's soooo sad but I feel hopeful, and happy again!

A Day of Epic Proportions

Today was a spectacular day. I did see this boy who had me all shaky. We spoke and cried and kissed and for the first time since we split up well over a year ago I realised what I had missed about him. He makes me laugh. He's sweet and caring and oh-so considerate when he's near me. Ok, ok, ok...let me stop there because I am well aware that I am waxing lyrical about this guy. Let me put my feet back on the ground and remember, he is a man and much as I care for him he is still fallable. But right now it's really hard for me to remember that. So bare with me.

But going back a bit in the day, he called me straight out of work and was like 'baby, I know how long it takes you to get ready sometimes so I'm giving you a head start. I'll be at yours to see you in about 20 minutes'. Ok, cool. That sent me into a full whirring mess, my room was a tip within 5 minutes trying to figure out what to wear and trying not to have my broad grin develop into a headache later on. My gosh, I was grinning HARD!

So in the middle of this my girl gives me her phone telling me someone wants to talk to me. WHO? I hear you cry. Another ex, in fact, the very one I was with between now and this first guy. It get's better. He tells me after approximately a minute-and-a-half of small talk that he wants my address as he is coming over so I should text it to him NOW. Before I can respond all I hear is a dial tone....

OH SHEEEEEEEEEEEEET! Tried calling back to convince him to reconsider his timing but I get a big fat no. He's coming with his mate who is close to my girl and they are determined. But...WAIT...it's get's even better. Both ex's arrive at approximately THE SAME TIME. I thought I was going to faint. I managed to keep them apart with quick thinking but now ex no. 2 is also in my head because I still like him and I missed him. But he seemed to miss me more and wants to 'reconnect', oh dear. But I want to see him too, oh dear. But I don't want him back but I'm not even sure that 'friendship' would work. But i'm in love with the first dude...grrrrrrrrrr.

Funnily enough, it's not like i'm confused about who I want to be with. It's just the timing of it all, it's kind of sad. Ex no. 2 may have had a chance on any other day and I don't even want to go through it with him as to why it's not going to happen again. I don't know how I would explain it. I never even explained why we broke up first time round and I'm pretty certain he doesn't know and wants an explanation.

Take it from me people, don't avoid these hard topics, they always come back to bite you! Pheeeeeeeew! What a day!

xXx Nsoromma...COTH

If you want to know more about the background of my love fiasco's both guys here are mentioned in this Life...and Living It post, can you work out which one is which?

Image credits: www.retroclipart.com/catalog/images/OhMyGosh.jpg

The Saga Continues...

Has anyone else ever thought that their life is just one great big saga of drama? No? NO?! So it's just me then? Oh dear, well if you follow or have had a look at Life...and Living It you will know that my love life is something pretty amazing! To cut a long tired story short my ex has recently had a baby with some chick (got her pregnant while we were broken up, grrrrrrrrrrr) and then even more recently sent me miserable by declaring his undying love (thoughts such as knife...pain...and heart come to mind), then even more recently he told me that he really wants to try again and I should think about it.

Hmmm...well I've thought and I decide that, yeah, I do want to be with him. I'm so scared though, I know everyone makes mistakes but I really hope this isn't one. So I'm meant to be seeing him this weekend...feeling nauseous, my heart is racing and my hand shake a bit every now and then...oooh wish me luck people!

Change Today

Here's a little something I wrote a couple years ago which is so relevant right now. I feel like my life was just at a cross roads but I've finally chosen a direction. Praise God!

Today, is the beginning of the rest of my life,

Today, is the day for change

No more wallowing in struggle and strife

My life I shall rearrange.

I’m not putting it off no more

TODAY! I shall begin

My ambition is not to be poor

I’ll be a wealthy woman within

To do this I need to fulfil myself

With deeper things than I do

I’m ready and willing and able to shelf

The silly things I go through

TODAY! I shall spring clean my mind

Changing my number without delay

No more uselessness in my life you’ll find

'Cuz my life re-starts today!

Today, is the beginning of the rest of my life

Today, is the day for change

No more wallowing in struggle and strife

My life I shall rearrange!

Allow Me To Introduce Myself....

Hi there, with some encouragement from my friends I've decided to embark on my first individual blog. For those of you who don't know me (and even those who do!), I'll just introduce myself...

I'm Nsoromma...Child of the Heavens a.k.a. Nsoromma...COTH a.k.a. Nsoromma and on lazy days just N. A twenty-something, graduate, UK born, of Ghanaian heritage, female potential world changer I guess I'm just adjusting into my place in this world and growing up (in my head I don't feel like my teens were that long ago!). I'll just be blogging about what I like to talk about sometimes that's relationships, sometimes politics, my faith, music, sports, tv, fashion and anything else that springs to mind. Looking for a forum on which I can express myself, seek, and offer advice. So I hope you enjoy my ramblings and get to know me (just a little, I'm not advertising for stalkers here-oo!).

Nsoromma...Child of the Heavens xXx
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