Life Check

Hey people,

Sorry that I've been M.I.A. for while I've had a huge emotional and relationship drama recently. I don't intend to give you the full long-ass painful story right here (although that doesn't mean it won't come out anyway). Just know that I actually miss my little blog world, but life has been so hard that something had to give, and virtual friends was it (sorry!).

But I'm back now, so I'll be posting here and on Life...and Living It regularly again and keeping up with my blog friends, too. However, before I go, a question:

Why is it that life never hands out to the deserving what they deserve and gives the undeserving waaaay to many chances?

To my ex, who I know doesn't read this as he doesn't know it exists(!),

I loved you soooo much that just the thought of possibly being around you filled me with joy unspeakable. No man had ever made me feel so special or opened me up so completely. I trusted you even when everyone warned me not to and offered you my soul. I'm sure people have been hurt before and that I am neither the first nor the last to feel like this. But for some reason I feel so alone, when I think of what you did I feel physically ill. I rarely get through the day without thinking of you and how worthless you made me feel. Whenever I have a happy moment, behind it are shades of misery. I take sharp intakes of breath and double over in private when I remember you. I promised you I will never forget you, and I won't. But I hope to God that something happens to take away the pain I'm living with. You treated me to a life check. You made me pause and re-evaluate my life and myself. At first it was ugly; I hated myself and was willing to do whatever it took to change myself, not to be with you because I would never have you back, but to make myself into the kind of person who would never be treated so shabbily again. I contemplated things that have never even flitted through my mind before because of you and as much as it hurt me, I thank God I did. You treated me to a life check I will never forget. I will never be that girl again because of you.

I will never again be so young, so dumb, so naive, so gullible and so damn stupid. But the life check you gave me meant that I opened myself up to my friends, my true friends and after the self hate I came to appreciate the people I have in my life. You hurting me helped them to help me count my blessings. So I don't hate me anymore, so thank you. After all the crying, and self-loathing, and man-hating, dust and sackcloth music, I thank you. To my girls: Sankofa, Afrocentric and Friday's 'Fro...thank you for your support, my sister, my cousin, Ms. Lawyerlady, Ms. Design, Foneshop Boy, Dodgy Boy, Fly-Ass Single Mamma and everyone else who helped to pick the shattered shards of my self-esteem off the floor, I thank you.

This is a painful and long-ass process but I can see the other side. Already I have made some positive changes. It's all about perspective. I am a master's holding, house-owning, smart, forward-thinking, sexy, beautiful, blessed young woman with many good years ahead of me. And you just missed out on a DAMN GOOD thing. Keep walking partner, I wish you well. As Dodgy boy said of you, you were just a squatter tryna make a permanent home out of my palace. So now, be gone!


Now to the blogosphere...I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! BTW, check out my girl's blog Rantings of a Manhater. I'm sure you'll like it!


Sankofa said...

This kind of shit is always difficult. The hardest part can be convincing yourself that it's not because of a fault you have. These men genuinely do not know a good thing when it hits them. In matters of the heart, it really is "good to talk" (BT copyright lol).

Now maybe it's about time I sorted out my abandoned blog.

Nsoromma...Child of the Heavens said...

It is really hard not the see the fault as your own. And I cannot lie, to some degree the fault was mine. BUT, it's his loss and the more days that go by, the more I believe that to be true.

Yes, your abandonment was worse than mine! Sort it out love!

Anonymous said...

am sorry this has happened to are shit but take the good from this, the lessons learned, use them to make you stronger wiser and be a better version of you.

it will hurt but believe it or not you will be ok.

P. said...

Aw my lovely, I didn'trealise you had gone through so much crap!
Heartbreak hotel, its a shit place to be. Men do not realise the power they can have on you tolose every ounce of your confidence, your happiness and ability to be happy. But I promise it does get a little easier everyday, he's a shit, in fact all me are shits!!!!

P. said...

sorry all men are shits, my damn keyboard!!

Afrocentric said...

You know what? Men can be the most dumbest mofos at time. But like I said, it is his loss. i'm glad u have come out of it appreciating your self more. Now, let him keep on stepping while you get on with life.

Nsoromma...Child of the Heavens said...

Thanx for the support! Love u all!

@ Fgrngtllt - I know logically that it will ease with time, but since when it the heart logical?

@ LoveWasTheEgg - This is the whole reason why I missed out on Ms. Design's drink-up, gathering thingy. :( But u have cheered me up with the idea that all men are shits!

@ Afrocentric - I will keep stepping! Plus it helps knowing he is now tryna play a playette. Sounds like he's gonna get his real soon!

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