Baring Testament

I love my boy Journey's blog The Soul Of It All (you need to check it out) and reading him got me to thinking about my life and my blog. Recently I spoke to an erhm, friend of mine who really made me feel quite shame. Simply because he says I moan a lot. Actually let me be fair to his speech/lecture, he says in the past two years he cannot remember me not complaining and that is all I ever do. I'd be a liar if I didn't tell you that that convo (again, no, it was a lecture, the likes of which I haven't heard since I left uni!) bruised my ego and much as I tried to convince him that actually I am well aware of my blessings, he was not having a bar of it. I was branded a moaner and that was that!

For once, I decided to take on board his comments and use them to really analyse the way I behave. Usually, it takes me a good few days to move past the blind denial and tenderly poke at my superego until I notice what is really going on. But alas, I am way to tired and fed up to be so kind to myself. So I thought, am I a moaner?

Short answer: yes I am! Oh no!

Long answer: different people see different sides of me. Generally, I try to show the real me to everyone but different people get different facets of my personality. Some people think I am on such a hype that I may be secretly medicated while my family believe I have severely depressive tendencies. The honest truth is that, like most other people, I occupy that wonderful murky quagmire that we call life in varying shades of grey. I was a bit upset that my erhm friend, could not really understand that the reason he is privy to that side of me is because I consider him to be close to me. I don't moan to all and sundry about my life (excluding my Monday Rants to the blogosphere, obviously!). It made me realise two things, one, I need to balance up the many parts of myself to make a less fragmented whole and two, he probably doesn't deserve for me to keep him so close if he doesn't get that.

I have many blessings, some of which I listed as I signed off my last post...I'm not going to list them again as my very English upbringing finds such things more than vaguely embarrassing and slightly distasteful. But I have many things to thank my God for and really I think I will do so more often. HOWEVER,

Life has been hard recently, harder than I expected. But such is life, anaa? I know I don't have half the problems of some other friends and Fly-Ass Single Mama is such an inspiration to me. She doesn't even know this! I don't know if I have her strength but I'm learning. All I know is I am a work in process. But back to Journey...he was talking about having finally reached a place where he can reflect on his past hurts and be content. I read through a lot of what he was going through. I'm now at that uncomfortable place where I wish I was with someone but I am not so stupid that I don't realise that I am just not ready right now. But something Journey wrote really resonated with me...

'But we were only that tight because we took the time to grow into each other. I knew enough about her to feel comfortable, to trust her and to love freely...Allow yourself to naturally choose her so being with her comes naturally.'

Preachhhhhhhhhhhh! Where am I rushing to? I think I (was going to say girls and make this general but, no, I'ma finally own my own mistakes) am tooooo fast! I mean I jump from potential into a thing without giving it time to grow. So now I'm thinking of a certain Foneshop boy who is a dear, dear friend, with potential, but still only a friend. And I like it that way, who knows where the potential will lead but right about now I need time to myself! In fact, Journey is also an inspiration because I feel like I've seen him come through the pain to a healthier version of himself. I am so excited! Because one day, in the not too distant future, that will be me! But for now, I'm just tryna be me, doing what I gotta do...

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