...Wait til you see my smile!
mel·an·chol·y Adjective /ˈmelÉ™nËŒkälÄ“/
1. Sad, gloomy, or depressed
she felt a little melancholy
the dog has a melancholy expression
2. Causing or expressing sadness; depressing
the study makes melancholy is instructive reading
I used to subscribe to that philosophy too, until I made a life changing discovery...IT DOESN'T HELP. Disappointment and hurt are as much a part of life as joy and elation. Suppressed feelings come out sooner or later and I think the later they do the worse for you!
Deal with your problems; don't bury your head in the sand. Don't get it twisted, I'm not a fan of excessive wallowing and self-pity. Deal with your issues and move the hell on. Stop telling the world, his mother and his grandmother's best mate! Haven't you realised that the more you complain about it the less anyone cares?! Whatever it is--it shall pass.
Knowing that my melancholy spell will pass is helping to ease it already...So to anyone out there who is feeling like this--a bit blah. Just feel it, spend some quality 'me' time and SHAKE IT OFF.
Have a happy Wednsday y'all,
xXx
LADY
D'Angelo - Me and those dreamin' eyes...
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I am back in Ghana for the first time in 6 years. This is my second ever visit and it feels so different coming back. It's funny that coming here aged 18 I was really impressed by my country. I think being born and raised in the UK, my family back home expected me to be wholly underwhelmed. People hyped up Ghana's negatives in an attempt to make the country seem better to me than they had advertised it to be. It seemed to me to be a ploy. A rather perverse way to make me fall in love with my heritage.
This strategy was misguided to say the least. I was more than ready to love Ghana. Contrary to popular belief (in Ghana), many of us abrokyirefuo enkola are more than ready to embrace the country of our parents. It helps give a sense of identity when living in a country (like the UK) where people forever ask 'where are you really from?'.
This return journey however sees me in a much different mood. I'm in Accra for a few days (which to me equals me being lost! Being from a pure Kumasiano family--don't judge me :P) am I'm taking a better look than the fleeting glance of a few years back.
All of a sudden I am not so impressed. It's like looking at a beautiful picture with cracks in it. As I've grown older I think I have become more and more invested in being a Ghanaian. I am emotionally invested in our sport (as you can tell), politics, language and culture. But the more invested I am, the more pain I seem to feel. It's like watching a child with 'so much potential' hit 30...and all that they have achieved is the title of 'the former child with so much potential'.
Arguments that diasporian Ghanaians should come 'back home' and set to rights their country have always erked me. Firstly, because in many ways for people like me it is no more 'coming home' that it is for any random African-American. It's just not really home. You see, you can never mistake home, love it or hate it there are particular emotions linked to the idea of home that separate diasporians from our 'home-grown' counterparts. Secondly, I think it is somewhat disrespectful to barge in and take over what you don't know. Who am I as a diasporian to Waltz in and decide my way is better? There is much to be said for local knowledge. It's priceless.
Nonetheless, I feel disappointed somehow in Ghana. There is a lot to be done and I feel like the country has stagnated. But there is also much to be hopeful for. There is a generation emerging who want to make a change; I want to be a part of that somehow. I need to find my place in helping to get it all done.
(First published on Life...and Living It)
Since I wrote my last post my life has been a total whirlwind! But to re-cap, I handed in my notice at work at the end of last month. I was not happy. I needed a change, a push, something to bring me back to life. I stepped out on these feelings and decided to quit. Wrote a nice resignation letter to the boss and waited out my notice period. Funnily enough, the day I handed in my resignation was the same day I had quite a few application deadlines.
Anyhoo...about a week and a half later I get a call-back asking for an interview two days later! I immediately said yes, not even really realising what the job was for. But I did recognise that the end of that week would be my final day at work so I was still pushing for a new job (that ever-elusive career breakthrough role). I had two long back-to-back shifts in the two days before my interview and I started to get really worried that I would not have time to prepare. The day before the interview I worked til 10pm and got home near to 11:30. I was knackered and I had so much to do! I started panicking, called around for some interview advice to calm my nerves and then got stuck into my preparation in earnest. I hit the sack at 2.30am after a little 'God I've done all I can'; I just couldn't physically do anymore. My interview was for 10am and an hour-and-a-half away from where I live. This meant that, allowing for major calamities and time to settle my nerves, I needed to be out at 8am. Crap. And I was seriously lacking two nights worth of sleep. Double crap.
I woke up agitated and slightly nauseous. Oh and by the way my BB was in for repairs, so I didn't have the comfort of my phone to soothe me on my journey or to give me reminders to wake up, which was probably why I was so agitated when I woke up. At 7. After four-and-a-half hours sleep. Look I'm no Sankofa, I'm just not built for this. Anyhoo...I got there in good time. Prepared my answers and tried to will my palms to stop flowing rivers (it's so disgusting! I wish we still lived in an era when women wore gloves...). A nice lady takes me through to prepare for a presentation, 45 minutes prep for a 5 minute presentation. Crap, I didn't know about this. Nobody mentioned any presentation. I don't mind doing presentations but at least some forewarning! Crap, crap, crap, OH CRAP!
Ok, cool. Smile, shake hands, thank the nice lady. Crack a joke, make her smile. Now down to business. For the first 15 minutes I couldn't even understand the document I was reading. Calm down, start again. BREATHE. Ok, now I get it. No time to make use of the flip board. Just do it.
So I fumbled through the presentation. Smiled brightly where necessary. Answered all my questions. Didn't repeat examples, always used examples. Smiled some more. Looked all three panel members in the eye as I went along. Looked thoughtful. Clarified if I thought I sounded unclear. Didn't ramble (Yay for me! Because this is a particular habit of mine). Two small sips of water. Didn't fidget. Asked intelligent questions at the end. Was told that they would be in touch tomorrow. Smiled like a frigging simpleton. Shook hands firmly at the end (despite my sweaty hands *shudder*). Left the building. Pheeew!
Once I left I was nearly in tears. I just slumped at the bus stop for 20mins or so then made my way home. I felt horrible, exhausted and close to tears. I just kept thinking I hope my phone has arrived home by now, the only silver lining I could perceive. I got home to be greeted by my phone (yay!) and the anxious mother, oh joy. I muttered something unintelligible, skulked upstairs and crawled into bed. Fully clothed (minus the shoes). Had a good handful of texts and calls to see how it went. Ignored them nicely.
GO AWAY.
After sleep and food (up until this point I'd eaten nothing) I tried to gain some perspective. I could think of no one thing that should warrant my misery. I composed myself and prayed:
"Lord, if it is for me the let it be mine. If not then, I trust you."
I was a bit more upbeat after that. Misery does not become me. I shrugged it off and got on with life.
The following morning my brand new BB (Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!) woke me up with a private number call, in my best I'm-wide-awake-no-of-course-you-didn't-just-wake-me-up voice—I answered. The nice guy on the other end said he had just called to let me know that I had been selected for the role I went up for. Oh. That's nice. Pause. So, ummmmm, Nsoromma, would you like the job? Pause. Oh. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, yes! Needless to say, the rest of the convo was a blur. The rest of the day was a blur. Thank you God. The following day was my last day at the old job. Thank you, GOD! HELLO, ARE YOU THERE GOD? IT'S ME NSOROMMA, THANK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! Called the fam, friends, Pastor and well wishers. This is my testimony. I said it was my moment, I believed it and it was.
THANK YOU GOD,
Love always,
So much this past month, and the past has tried to rear its ugly head. But I passed that test. I realised two days ago that certain areas of my past hold no sway anymore. And boy did THAT feel good! But it also alerted me to something. I dunno if anyone else has this, but do you ever feel notice that bad things from your past, things (or people) that block or ruin you path always show up around the time of your greatest successes and breakthroughs? Looking around me, looking inside me, I feel like great things are coming and I'm not about to let anything block this. Devil get behind me. This is MY time. This is my moment...
I know I have been pretty down on the blog and in the real world to the poor people who are my friends (love you guys!). And although all that stuff is still pretty depressing. I just wanted to use this post to give a big shout out to my supportive friends (My Sweet Potato, Sankofa, FASM, Dodgy Boy, Foneshop Boy, Ms. Design, Ms Lawyerlady, Afrocentric, Kayobi, etc..) who have helped keep me out of the pits of doom and gloom somewhat.
I was always a good student, didn't coast overly much and applied myself to things I found difficult. Education-wise, I know I was held up at school and elsewhere as some to follow, someone to watch, someone going somewhere. This was never a goal and even though I can be annoying and stuff my ability was not something I threw in people's faces.
But here I am post-education, it doesn't seem to matter that I worked hard, scrap that I worked DAMN HARD, that I never failed at anything, that I was a good student. I'm stuck in this shitty job with (some) people who never did a hard days thinking in their lives! With (some) people who have no ambition and never excelled in their lives. WHY AM I STILL STUCK HERE?
Seriously, are you there God, it's ME, Nsoromma! Get me out of here!!!
For the first time in four years we actually spoke, REALLY spoke. For the first time in four years, your words were not like a slap in the face. For the first time in four years the conversation didn't end with me angry or in tears. It was a revelation; when you told me that I had hurt you. It wasn't soppy or cute, but one of those ones where you just kind of acknowledge that certain actions and words cut deeper than intended. I knew that, but I never thought you would say it. I actually had some insight into you. And I realised that I have missed you. Once upon a time, long long ago you were my friend, you were my rock, you were my confidant. It was like going back to the beginning, where we just spoke. There was no malice and no bitterness. You asked me things without an agenda and I answered almost freely. You gave me genuine advice and I detected no ulterior motives. If you ever read this, you'll know who you are. We were young and stupid and I'm sorry. Can we start over? I would really love to have my friend back.
Yours Sincerely,