Baring Testament

I thought ok my life aint like that of the talented Mr. Robinson but I can relate to having to be on my grind in a way dissimilar to many that surround me. You better believe it! Time waits for no (wo)man and I am no exception. Recently, I have been wallowing a bit and revelling in the blah-ness but the year is fast approaching it's climax and I don't want mine to be an anti-climax. I gotsta get back on my grind! So in the past week I have revamped the CV (yet again) to take account of my new activities, details of which will drop in 2010. I am so excited and absorbed in the new direction of my life, thank you God. I'm getting in contact with people I have met networking which is a bit scary but I am thinking it will certainly be worth it and I am filing out these applications like a pro. I'm not there yet but 2010 promises to be great!

Kano's song brings to mind a conversation I had a while back with a guy I know who had a million and one excuses for being a wasteman. These included coming from a deprived area (mate, we come from the same place) and the 'system' being against him. Errr, no. He just needed to get his mind out of the 'hustler', street mentality that was keeping him bound to a life going nowhere, and I told him so. Needless to say, that did not go down too well but he needed to hear it. His bad attitude will never get him anywhere. You work with the system, while understanding it and working within it, often you can change it and in the process become master of your own situation. Say your P's & Q's...pay your dues...do what you gotsta do.

Simples.

And my posse of good mates work with this attitude too, we got goals and places to be...Ms. Lawyerlady is ever onwards and upward bound...I believe that the house will soon come. My Sister From Another Mother is nearing the end of her degree and I am sooo proud. I think possibly some people have been pleasantly surprise but not I—I always had faith in her to see this through. Love her to bits! Fly-Ass Single Mama is gearing up to begin her master's with or without baby daddy help! And my sis is getting ready to walk down the aisle. Another lil' Mama, Friday's 'Fro is also making tracks and another good friend with a baby will be re-entering education armed with a solid career plan. 2010 should be big for Ms. Design, Sankofa and Afrocentric too.

No time for slacking in 2010. I love the fact that I don't roll with waste when there is honestly so much waste out there! I'm surrounded by a good set of people and we are all on our P's & Q's in order to get where we are going, believe that!

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n.b. 'Mind your p's and q's' is an English expression which means mind your manners/says you pleases and thank yous.

The one ray of hope I had about his life and the misery it had made of him is that he started to talk to me about church, he was clearly interested but very cynical. Just so he could be happy again and be that guy that I first started talking to, and reach the potential that I always saw. Maaaaan, I used to pray and I do mean pray for this guy to change. I dunno if I can get a witness to the kind of deep heart-wrenching, pleading, promising prayers that I mean. If not I'll just leave you to imagine it. But as time passed, I went from believing so hard, to praying less fervently until one day, I dunno when, I just stopped praying for him altogether.

Now if you have been keeping up with me you'd know that I've been tryna end my year on a positive note by yet again spring cleaning my life and on a whim I searched his facebook profile (reading this back is soooo making me think, stalker alert! Stalker alert!). Then I decided to poke him and then I pretty much went back to my life and forgot about him. A couple days ago I get a facebook message saying 'hey I lost your number' so I sent the number over and got a call today while at work. Just before I had 'spring-cleaned' him from my life our convo's always decended into bitching fests, either him getting ugly truths out of me about himself or other people or vice versa. So it got to the point where I had once enjoyed speaking to him from 10pm til 7am (yes, this really did happen, talk about a couple of jobless students!) now a half-an-hour convo would drive me up the wall. It'd go a little like this...

Nameless: Hey, Nsoromma you monkey wot u doing...

Nsoromma: If i'm a monkey why are you calling me? It's 2am WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME. I'm doing nothing, why?

Nameless: Are you at home? Come and see me, man. I wanna see you.

Nsoromma: Errrrr...IT'S 2 IN THE F***ING MORNING MAN. I'm not leaving my house. Get lost. What do you want?

Nameless: Ah, man nothing. You're on a long ting. Just wondering how ur ugly friend is, innit?

Nsoromma: Who is ugly? Piss off man.

Nameless: So is she still the leader of ur crew? Tehehe.

Nsoromma: Huh? Ur chatting rubbish man, ur so dumb. Who talks about crews and stuff? How old are you? You were bullied as a kid, innit?

Nameless: U wish u were like me as a kid about, I don't even know why I'm talking to you your so dumb. You got a freshie man yet? Only a freshie ever would want you...

Etc, etc...

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah, so not so eventually I stopped taking his calls and he stopped calling. But just to remind you trips down memory lane were rosy, there was a time when we could stand each other and that is what probably prompted both the poke from me and the call from him. Here's a snippet of today's convo...

Nameless: Hey Nsoromma. How you doing?

Nsoromma: I'm alright you know, how are you?

Nameless: I'm cool just changing my life, I got saved

Nsoromma: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?! Ahhhhhhh! For real? When? Congrats, hun!

Nameless: Yeah thanks. Back in October, just tryna get my life on track.

Nsoromma: Oh wow!

Nameless: I know. But what you been up to man. It's been ages. Been wondering how you are.

Nsoromma: I'm good,....

I can see a change even in how he speaks! He's now saved and it shows. I was on break at work when we spoke and I could have exploded with joy at that one statement. 6 years on after my tearfilled prayer. If you don't know, get to know, prayer changes things! Whatever you been praying for, or like me whatever you have prayed for and forgotten...it shall come to pass! P.U.S.H. (pray until something happens) people!

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I love my boy Journey's blog The Soul Of It All (you need to check it out) and reading him got me to thinking about my life and my blog. Recently I spoke to an erhm, friend of mine who really made me feel quite shame. Simply because he says I moan a lot. Actually let me be fair to his speech/lecture, he says in the past two years he cannot remember me not complaining and that is all I ever do. I'd be a liar if I didn't tell you that that convo (again, no, it was a lecture, the likes of which I haven't heard since I left uni!) bruised my ego and much as I tried to convince him that actually I am well aware of my blessings, he was not having a bar of it. I was branded a moaner and that was that!

For once, I decided to take on board his comments and use them to really analyse the way I behave. Usually, it takes me a good few days to move past the blind denial and tenderly poke at my superego until I notice what is really going on. But alas, I am way to tired and fed up to be so kind to myself. So I thought, am I a moaner?

Short answer: yes I am! Oh no!

Long answer: different people see different sides of me. Generally, I try to show the real me to everyone but different people get different facets of my personality. Some people think I am on such a hype that I may be secretly medicated while my family believe I have severely depressive tendencies. The honest truth is that, like most other people, I occupy that wonderful murky quagmire that we call life in varying shades of grey. I was a bit upset that my erhm friend, could not really understand that the reason he is privy to that side of me is because I consider him to be close to me. I don't moan to all and sundry about my life (excluding my Monday Rants to the blogosphere, obviously!). It made me realise two things, one, I need to balance up the many parts of myself to make a less fragmented whole and two, he probably doesn't deserve for me to keep him so close if he doesn't get that.

I have many blessings, some of which I listed as I signed off my last post...I'm not going to list them again as my very English upbringing finds such things more than vaguely embarrassing and slightly distasteful. But I have many things to thank my God for and really I think I will do so more often. HOWEVER,

Life has been hard recently, harder than I expected. But such is life, anaa? I know I don't have half the problems of some other friends and Fly-Ass Single Mama is such an inspiration to me. She doesn't even know this! I don't know if I have her strength but I'm learning. All I know is I am a work in process. But back to Journey...he was talking about having finally reached a place where he can reflect on his past hurts and be content. I read through a lot of what he was going through. I'm now at that uncomfortable place where I wish I was with someone but I am not so stupid that I don't realise that I am just not ready right now. But something Journey wrote really resonated with me...

'But we were only that tight because we took the time to grow into each other. I knew enough about her to feel comfortable, to trust her and to love freely...Allow yourself to naturally choose her so being with her comes naturally.'

Preachhhhhhhhhhhh! Where am I rushing to? I think I (was going to say girls and make this general but, no, I'ma finally own my own mistakes) am tooooo fast! I mean I jump from potential into a thing without giving it time to grow. So now I'm thinking of a certain Foneshop boy who is a dear, dear friend, with potential, but still only a friend. And I like it that way, who knows where the potential will lead but right about now I need time to myself! In fact, Journey is also an inspiration because I feel like I've seen him come through the pain to a healthier version of himself. I am so excited! Because one day, in the not too distant future, that will be me! But for now, I'm just tryna be me, doing what I gotta do...

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Hey people,

Sorry that I've been M.I.A. for while I've had a huge emotional and relationship drama recently. I don't intend to give you the full long-ass painful story right here (although that doesn't mean it won't come out anyway). Just know that I actually miss my little blog world, but life has been so hard that something had to give, and virtual friends was it (sorry!).

But I'm back now, so I'll be posting here and on Life...and Living It regularly again and keeping up with my blog friends, too. However, before I go, a question:

Why is it that life never hands out to the deserving what they deserve and gives the undeserving waaaay to many chances?

To my ex, who I know doesn't read this as he doesn't know it exists(!),

I loved you soooo much that just the thought of possibly being around you filled me with joy unspeakable. No man had ever made me feel so special or opened me up so completely. I trusted you even when everyone warned me not to and offered you my soul. I'm sure people have been hurt before and that I am neither the first nor the last to feel like this. But for some reason I feel so alone, when I think of what you did I feel physically ill. I rarely get through the day without thinking of you and how worthless you made me feel. Whenever I have a happy moment, behind it are shades of misery. I take sharp intakes of breath and double over in private when I remember you. I promised you I will never forget you, and I won't. But I hope to God that something happens to take away the pain I'm living with. You treated me to a life check. You made me pause and re-evaluate my life and myself. At first it was ugly; I hated myself and was willing to do whatever it took to change myself, not to be with you because I would never have you back, but to make myself into the kind of person who would never be treated so shabbily again. I contemplated things that have never even flitted through my mind before because of you and as much as it hurt me, I thank God I did. You treated me to a life check I will never forget. I will never be that girl again because of you.

I will never again be so young, so dumb, so naive, so gullible and so damn stupid. But the life check you gave me meant that I opened myself up to my friends, my true friends and after the self hate I came to appreciate the people I have in my life. You hurting me helped them to help me count my blessings. So I don't hate me anymore, so thank you. After all the crying, and self-loathing, and man-hating, dust and sackcloth music, I thank you. To my girls: Sankofa, Afrocentric and Friday's 'Fro...thank you for your support, my sister, my cousin, Ms. Lawyerlady, Ms. Design, Foneshop Boy, Dodgy Boy, Fly-Ass Single Mamma and everyone else who helped to pick the shattered shards of my self-esteem off the floor, I thank you.

This is a painful and long-ass process but I can see the other side. Already I have made some positive changes. It's all about perspective. I am a master's holding, house-owning, smart, forward-thinking, sexy, beautiful, blessed young woman with many good years ahead of me. And you just missed out on a DAMN GOOD thing. Keep walking partner, I wish you well. As Dodgy boy said of you, you were just a squatter tryna make a permanent home out of my palace. So now, be gone!

Goodbye,

Now to the blogosphere...I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! BTW, check out my girl's blog Rantings of a Manhater. I'm sure you'll like it!