Showing posts with label foneshop boy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label foneshop boy. Show all posts

My Sister

Posted by Nsoromma...Child of the Heavens

I know I have been pretty down on the blog and in the real world to the poor people who are my friends (love you guys!). And although all that stuff is still pretty depressing. I just wanted to use this post to give a big shout out to my supportive friends (My Sweet Potato, Sankofa, FASM, Dodgy Boy, Foneshop Boy, Ms. Design, Ms Lawyerlady, Afrocentric, Kayobi, etc..) who have helped keep me out of the pits of doom and gloom somewhat.

But even more than that this is a shout-out to my family: my Mum, my Sister and my Cuzzy. Because, honestly, without their support I'd be finished. Cuzzy is always at the end of the phone to listen to my crap and sympathise. Bless my Mum, she is sooo cute cuz she has a 'secret' prayer list which I peeped the other night. And even though there is so much strain on our family at the moment, can you believe my job hunt is at the top of her prayer list?

But most of all: This is to my sister. She called me the other day and I ended up in tears describing my job hunt. She listened and offered me advice. And she was just THERE for me, you know? I'm not usually the type to wax lyrical about my family and I know I take them for granted, God forgive me. But this just needs to be said...

I HAVE THE BEST SISTER IN THE WORLD AND I LOVE HER TO BITS!

It's been said before that we should always remember to count our blessings. And my sister is one of the biggest blessings out there. Indescribable, incomparable. I don't know what my life would be like without my big sis, I shudder to think. I know I wouldn't be half as great as I am today without her. We are so very different but I can tell her anything and everything and she will always be there for me. I don't have a best friend, and I don't need one because I have my sister.

Love you girl!
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Still Dying; Soon Dead

Posted by Nsoromma...Child of the Heavens

A rose by any other name is still a rose;
And dead by any other measure is still dead.
When I needed you you were still eyeing daisies,
And I haven't forgotten--
As I gaze at our dead petals on the floor.

I've seen you look back in wonder,
You've seen the shrivelled stalk
Of our once majestic rose.
You see but you don't perceive;
You read but you do not comprehend.

Roses that seem dead need tending
But look closely and you'll find a cutting.
A small memory or connection between us.
If you replant it
And tend it, it will grow.

Never a replacement--
But hardy, it will grow and remind us
Of the need to tend our friendship
That it's never really dead if you catch it in time.

But you're still caught up in daisies--
Forgetting they are weeds
That come and go.
That multiply when you are not looking
That respond to their own requirements.

They'll never give you what that rose did.
And I see you glancing at those petals again
Blowing in the wind.
A word of warning to the wise,
Do not let them blow away,
By then your cutting will be impossible
And the flower will be dead.
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The Dead Flower of Friendship

Posted by Nsoromma...Child of the Heavens

We stare at its beauty
Its lingering haunting essence;
It consumes us.
But then suddenly in what feels like a flash
There is a jarring movement--
And all that remains in the surrounding grass
Is a sad lone stalk.
This pitiful headless flower,
Which once resided, peacefully,
Beautifully,
Effortless in its grace;
A head of perfect petals
With a core which links them companionably
And emits a sweet fragrance
Which we trust.
A few minutes ago I stroked those petals
And smelt that familiar smell
As i marvelled at its apparently solid core
Then you pushed past and snatched it away
In your eagerness to cherish it
You pulled too tight
And headless, its beauty fades.
You crushed its pretty petals brutally
What was sweet is now cloying.
I watch aghast, tears streaming
While you gaze at a neighbouring flower.
A different flower;
A pretty little daisy.
So enraptured are you with the new;
Not realising that many of the same are around;
You do not even notice
The crushed petals of our friendship
In the dead rose on the floor.
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Project 2010

Posted by Nsoromma...Child of the Heavens

This refers to my goals for the year, I'm not really into resolutions as they are all a bit wishy-washy. But goals, goals indicate a real agenda, and when backed by vision and a plan, they make a brilliant combination. I dunno about you guys, but I always find New Year's goals particularly difficult to stick to as I loose impetus by mid-January, lol.

To combat my general lethergy (read: laziness) I started to make a plan and I intend to stick to it. Note to self: I really do need a diary for once in my life. So here are my goals and a little into my plans to achieve them.

A. Project debt-reduction
I have about £2600 in overdrafts, £250 in credit cards and £10,000 in Career Development Loan debt. I could go find my Student Loans Company and add that too but firstly, I do not earn enough for my deductions to have started yet. Secondly, in terms of looking at sorting myself this year this would be way down on the list, somwhere between 'impossible', 'I have run quite mad' and 'why should I give a hoot anyway?!'. Soooo, no. I think the best part of 13,000 is more than enough of a target.

I know compared to some, my debts are not that great and I am quite glad that I do not have loads of petty niggling debts but for me, this is a bloody mountain. Albeit it a surmountable one.

To get me started on my way to debt recovery a week ago I began to construct an excel spreadsheet which documents my current income and expenditure as well as my projected for the month. I'm quite proud of myself actually as it includes a weekly breakdown of expenses and it is quite realistic, including space for food, travel, bills, clothes and savings. As a politics and public policy graduate I spend my life writing and it is quite carthatic to complete a spreadsheet of calculations, while reminding myself I am not totally mathematically illiterate.

B. Project Re-employed
This title sounds slightly misleading since I am actually working. But to be perfectly honest I hate my job. Occasionally, I think I would rather sign on, they require the same amount of brain power. Until last year I could never understand how, or rather, why people get so upset about their jobs. You see up until last year I had only really suffered the pains of unemployment. But I discovered this past year what it feels like to be over-qualified and under-employed. It feels like crap. I think I spent a good chunk of last year being miserable about my employment status, so much so it came to a point where I said I was unemployed or refused to disclose the name of the company who happen to pay my wages. Lol.

But at church last week Pastor reminded my congregation to be thankful and basically actually recognise the blessings we have. Therefore, I recognise that I am blessed to be employed and able to pay my bills. HOWEVER, this year I am determined to progress from this point. By February I must have a new job and in order to get there I must be doing at least one application form and two CV/Cover letter applications a week. This is where the diary comes in handy. I need to break this down into a day-to-day thing in order to get this done. Also, my debt-free plan will work better in a high paid job, that gives me even more of an impetus.

C. Project Settle-Down
Lol! Interesting title, right? Well anyone who knows Nsoromma well will know that I am looking forward to being someone's missus someday in the not to distant future. However, that is not really what I am referring to! So don't get excited!

Whether I have a man in the picture or not, I am looking to round out my life in ways that I did not previously find interesting. I wanna really learn how to cook. Like a pro. Not just a Ghanaian pro, either. I wanna throwdown like a native Asian/African/European, whatever. I just now feel the need to get homely like that. I need to take better care of myself and think more about what I do so that when I am a wife and mother these things are not a burden.

It all links with my being eager to get a handle on my finances. It's mature and very necessary.

D. Project Volunteer
I've always had a soft spot for the idea of volunteering. I've basically been doing it since I was 16 in various ways. I believe you should give back to the community you came from in order to help improve your society. After all, you can't expect things to improve if YOU never do things to improve it. Last week I began to volunteer a few hours of my week to help with the admin work of my church office. Also, I am about to embark on a volunteering role for a young charity for asylum-seekers in a role I love. It's policy related!

E. Project Travel (like Ms. Lawyerlady!)
I do love Ms. Lawyerlady, even as she makes me sick! She's just about back after swanning off to Zimbabwe for a friends' wedding. In fact, my girl collects visas in her little red book like they are going for cheap. A little hobby of hers. But 2010 is my time to shine! Lol. I've not been out of the country at all in 6 years now. This must be rectified! Firstly, I know for certain that I'll be in Ghana this summer for my sisters' upcoming nuptuals. While there the ex wants me
to hop on over to Naija to visit. And just might do it. I'm going on a mini-break in February and my girl is arranging to go to Vegas in September. My deposit is already ready! Exciting days are ahead!

F. Project Get On The Road
Recently, I have been lamenting the fact that I cannot drive and do not have a car. So at the end of the month/early February I am booking a bulk of driving lessons. The sooner the better, having friends who live in the sticks in the opposite side of London is giving me a running cold and a serious lack of sleep. Transport links in South
London are soooo bad (I.e. We have no London Underground in SE!) And I'm fed up of being the last to get to places, late, and first to leave, last to arrive home. I spend half my life in the frigging cold. And in this Siberian weather I am distinctly unimpressed.

To work towards this I have begun a fund for a new car which either Foneshop boy or Dodgy boy are going to help me choose as I have zero useful knowledge of cars. Foneshop boy offered to help me save too but right now I'm not too impressed with him. But we'll save that for another post...

G. Project Stay Content
This is perhaps the most important project of all. While striving to improve my life I need to be positive and content. And the best way for me to do this has always been to stay close to my God. So that's what I'll do.

This year is gonna be a great guys. I hope it'll be as good for you.
I'll keep you updated on my goals periodically, so stay tuned.

Love ya!
Nsoromma...COTH xXx
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I’m Just Tryna Be Me Doing What I Gotta Do, Some People Think That I’m Just Sitting On Top Of The World...

Posted by Nsoromma...Child of the Heavens
Hey! After claiming I wouldn't go MIA again, here I am again having to write yet another apology note for not being here. So sorry, shame on me! Now...

I love my boy Journey's blog The Soul Of It All (you need to check it out) and reading him got me to thinking about my life and my blog. Recently I spoke to an erhm, friend of mine who really made me feel quite shame. Simply because he says I moan a lot. Actually let me be fair to his speech/lecture, he says in the past two years he cannot remember me not complaining and that is all I ever do. I'd be a liar if I didn't tell you that that convo (again, no, it was a lecture, the likes of which I haven't heard since I left uni!) bruised my ego and much as I tried to convince him that actually I am well aware of my blessings, he was not having a bar of it. I was branded a moaner and that was that!

For once, I decided to take on board his comments and use them to really analyse the way I behave. Usually, it takes me a good few days to move past the blind denial and tenderly poke at my superego until I notice what is really going on. But alas, I am way to tired and fed up to be so kind to myself. So I thought, am I a moaner?

Short answer: yes I am! Oh no!


Long answer: different people see different sides of me. Generally, I try to show the real me to everyone but different people get different facets of my personality. Some people think I am on such a hype that I may be secretly medicated while my family believe I have severely depressive tendencies. The honest truth is that, like most other people, I occupy that wonderful murky quagmire that we call life in varying shades of grey. I was a bit upset that my erhm friend, could not really understand that the reason he is privy to that side of me is because I consider him to be close to me. I don't moan to all and sundry about my life (excluding my Monday Rants to the blogosphere, obviously!). It made me realise two things, one, I need to balance up the many parts of myself to make a less fragmented whole and two, he probably doesn't deserve for me to keep him so close if he doesn't get that.

I have many blessings, some of which I listed as I signed off my last post...I'm not going to list them again as my very English upbringing finds such things more than vaguely embarrassing and slightly distasteful. But I have many things to thank my God for and really I think I will do so more often. HOWEVER,

Life has been hard recently, harder than I expected. But such is life, anaa? I know I don't have half the problems of some other friends and Fly-Ass Single Mama is such an inspiration to me. She doesn't even know this! I don't know if I have her strength but I'm learning. All I know is I am a work in process. But back to Journey...he was talking about having finally reached a place where he can reflect on his past hurts and be content. I read through a lot of what he was going through. I'm now at that uncomfortable place where I wish I was with someone but I am not so stupid that I don't realise that I am just not ready right now. But something Journey wrote really resonated with me...

'But we were only that tight because we took the time to grow into each other. I knew enough about her to feel comfortable, to trust her and to love freely...Allow yourself to naturally choose her so being with her comes naturally.'

Preachhhhhhhhhhhh! Where am I rushing to? I think I (was going to say girls and make this general but, no, I'ma finally own my own mistakes) am tooooo fast! I mean I jump from potential into a thing without giving it time to grow. So now I'm thinking of a certain Foneshop boy who is a dear, dear friend, with potential, but still only a friend. And I like it that way, who knows where the potential will lead but right about now I need time to myself! In fact, Journey is also an inspiration because I feel like I've seen him come through the pain to a healthier version of himself. I am so excited! Because one day, in the not too distant future, that will be me! But for now, I'm just tryna be me, doing what I gotta do...

Image credits

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Life Check

Posted by Nsoromma...Child of the Heavens

Hey people,

Sorry that I've been M.I.A. for while I've had a huge emotional and relationship drama recently. I don't intend to give you the full long-ass painful story right here (although that doesn't mean it won't come out anyway). Just know that I actually miss my little blog world, but life has been so hard that something had to give, and virtual friends was it (sorry!).

But I'm back now, so I'll be posting here and on Life...and Living It regularly again and keeping up with my blog friends, too. However, before I go, a question:

Why is it that life never hands out to the deserving what they deserve and gives the undeserving waaaay to many chances?

To my ex, who I know doesn't read this as he doesn't know it exists(!),

I loved you soooo much that just the thought of possibly being around you filled me with joy unspeakable. No man had ever made me feel so special or opened me up so completely. I trusted you even when everyone warned me not to and offered you my soul. I'm sure people have been hurt before and that I am neither the first nor the last to feel like this. But for some reason I feel so alone, when I think of what you did I feel physically ill. I rarely get through the day without thinking of you and how worthless you made me feel. Whenever I have a happy moment, behind it are shades of misery. I take sharp intakes of breath and double over in private when I remember you. I promised you I will never forget you, and I won't. But I hope to God that something happens to take away the pain I'm living with. You treated me to a life check. You made me pause and re-evaluate my life and myself. At first it was ugly; I hated myself and was willing to do whatever it took to change myself, not to be with you because I would never have you back, but to make myself into the kind of person who would never be treated so shabbily again. I contemplated things that have never even flitted through my mind before because of you and as much as it hurt me, I thank God I did. You treated me to a life check I will never forget. I will never be that girl again because of you.

I will never again be so young, so dumb, so naive, so gullible and so damn stupid. But the life check you gave me meant that I opened myself up to my friends, my true friends and after the self hate I came to appreciate the people I have in my life. You hurting me helped them to help me count my blessings. So I don't hate me anymore, so thank you. After all the crying, and self-loathing, and man-hating, dust and sackcloth music, I thank you. To my girls: Sankofa, Afrocentric and Friday's 'Fro...thank you for your support, my sister, my cousin, Ms. Lawyerlady, Ms. Design, Foneshop Boy, Dodgy Boy, Fly-Ass Single Mamma and everyone else who helped to pick the shattered shards of my self-esteem off the floor, I thank you.

This is a painful and long-ass process but I can see the other side. Already I have made some positive changes. It's all about perspective. I am a master's holding, house-owning, smart, forward-thinking, sexy, beautiful, blessed young woman with many good years ahead of me. And you just missed out on a DAMN GOOD thing. Keep walking partner, I wish you well. As Dodgy boy said of you, you were just a squatter tryna make a permanent home out of my palace. So now, be gone!

Goodbye,

Now to the blogosphere...I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! BTW, check out my girl's blog Rantings of a Manhater. I'm sure you'll like it!
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Being A Mate

Posted by Nsoromma...Child of the Heavens
Recently I have been a tad worried about the kind of friend I am. Situations and life in general have got me so that many people have been left behind and out of my life.

I read the article How to be a better friend on Deliciously Sunsational and it really set my mind to work. Am I the kind of friend I would want? I mean I'm far from perfect and striving to get there everyday but am I really doing enough? So I decided to look at what I want in a friend and see if I fit my own criteria..

1. Trustworthy - This is key...I mean who want's a friend that they can't trust. If I tell you something and I hear about it from someone else then obviously I am going to question our friendship (cue cries of 'how could she do that to me?'). It's a simple enough request but how many of us do this in reality. Sometimes we want perspective on something we have been told by our friend in order to give them better responses which is a fair point, but as a friend should you really be doing that? Other times, people use their 'friendship' with one person as gossip fodder and that can never be right.

2. Honest - I guess this goes hand in hand with being trustworthy, in that a dishonest person is never trustworthy but an honest one might be. Hmmmm...let's take a moment to ponder...A honest person can be untrustworthy??? Oh yes!! For instance I could tell you something which I would rather you didn't share but not put that stipulation on you (because I am assuming you have the common sense to know that I do not want you telling Sarah that I think her boyfriend is an ass even though he is ). When I later ask if it was you who told Sarah my view and you tell me yes then you're honest but cannot keep my business to yourself. Now before people get up in arms, I will happily say I have friends in this category. I prefer the honesty about an inability to keep your mouth shut to the staring deep into my eyes to tell me you would never do such a thing when you have. I have evidence on tape.

3. Available - Now call me needy, self-absorbed, whatever, but if you are supposed to be my friend then when I am rushed to hospital/lost my cat/broke up with my boyfriend/bored or otherwise need you, you don't just become unavailable. Hold on a sec, I'm not a brat, you have a life, I have a life and we both need to live them but the girl who never makes it out to my birthday, never come to see me in hospital and refused to hold my hand when my cat died is NOT my friend. Busy is understandable, permanently unavailable is not.

4. Supportive - Again ties in with emotional availability, I have friends who have been in different continents who have supported me through life better than those who live up the road and round the corner. Being supportive is knowing I have exams sending me an encouraging text and promising to see me for post-exams tears/drinks. The unsupportive friend demands that I come out to the rave her ex-boyfriend's, younger sister's, bestfriend's boyfriend is throwing and saying that failure to attend means the end of our friendship.

5. Brutal - Now that sounds plain wrong! But if my supposed best mate is sleeping with my man, my uncle is hitting on you or you know why my lecturer keeps failing me because my work sucks you must tell me. It's imperative and very, very scary but it has to be done. The people who have kindly and tactful told me the painful brutal truth are people who mean the world to me. Better put, the people who have withheld this kind of information are generally considered scum of the earth material.

Now do I fit these categories? True question, am I? I mean I want to be the model friend and I'd like to tell you that I am. But honestly, I don't believe that to be the case at all. I do fail at each of the stages I am afraid to say but to all myb firneds out there, old and new, I pray that I can work on this part of myself and become the best friend I can be.

Love you all,

Nsoromma...Child of the Heavens xXx

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