Showing posts with label confusion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confusion. Show all posts

Where I Wanna Be!

Posted by Nsoromma...Child of the Heavens
Hi everyone!!!

*big wave*

I've been on a bit of a hiatus--cough, cough *side eye*

Sorry about that, you know that one where life just gets away from ya? YEAH...that one.

It's been a crazy few months and I've careened from being overwhelmed, to being miserable and then back again.

It started with me having so much to do I was barely sleeping and writing for anything other than work was just a massive ask. Then that became my life and in the monotony I just had nothing to share. But after all these months, life seems to have slowed down enough to share.

So here I am.

Ready to share.

This is where I wanna be.

I've had time to think about my blog as well. Just take time, take stock and think, do I really wanna be sharing so much of me? When it comes to personal blogs, I know people get like this from time to time. And even with a semi-hidden identity, sometimes you just have to question the sense in sharing to the degree that I sometimes do. But, hey. This is ME. This is who I am. This is where I wanna be.

I've never been much of a shy girl and I'm not good at hiding me. In fact, I've always been proud of the fact that I am ME, regardless of my audience (though as a kid my mother would tear her hair out, she too has come to appreciate it!).

So, on balance I have decided to continue to do me on this blog. With one caveat. Call it a qualification, if you will...

When life requires me to take a pause--I will.

No apologies. No guilt.

Now don't get it twisted, I'm not tryna alienate my blog-friends. But when I started this, I didn't know you and I was doing it for me. I wanna keep doing this for me--with your support. This is where I wanna be.

Thank you for your support,
and keep reading! Because...


Love Alwayz,

Nsoromma...Child Of The Heavens

N.B. This title has me thinking an old song I used to love...and since sharing is caring. Enjoy Shade Sheist's Where I Wanna Be...



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G.H.E.T.T.O.U.T.

Posted by Nsoromma...Child of the Heavens
If ANYONE still reads my blog, I should start by saying...I am awfully sorry that I have been so damn lazy. Please forgive me, even though I don't deserve it...love ya!

Now this is short sweet and breezy (kinna).

Named this G.H.E.T.T.O.U.T. after the following Changing Faces track that I've always loved.
This is how I felt finally after all the pain and hurt of my breakup in November 2009.

So leading on from that...a week or so ago I found out that the girl my ex cheated on me with and left me for has dumped his due to all his BMD (tr. Baby Mama Drama). When I was first told I kinna brushed it aside as unimportant.

But I've been thinking about it recently and I feel mildly ecstatic. Yes, I know its a bit of an oxymoron, but hey. That the best description I've got. Plus, I'm kinna talking to someone now, and I'm HAPPY in my life. So that makes it even better.

All of a sudden my heart doesn't shrivel into a prune at the idea of seeing him randomly. Yes, I've gained a few (or more) pounds since we split, and yes I'm not quite a millionaire yet (still working on it though), but I'm HAPPY. Even seeing him couldn't touch that!

So is it bad for me to glory in the fact that they split and at that to my lil' pile of happiness?
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The Abyss

Posted by Nsoromma...Child of the Heavens

It's the worst thing when you trust him
and he betrays you.
Not in the actions you expect,
nothing like that.
But in a fundamental way;
A seemingly insignificant way
A way that seems infinitely more
of an impossible chasm.
A complete betrayal of everything
you ever thought you had.
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Magnolia Melancholia

Posted by Nsoromma...Child of the Heavens

Recently I have been suffering a severe bout of melancholy. Everything is just a bit blah, you know, boring, uninspiring, almost depressing like magnolia (hideous colour! *shudder*) And I think its unwarranted really.

mel·an·chol·y Adjective /ˈmelÉ™nËŒkälÄ“/

1. Sad, gloomy, or depressed

she felt a little melancholy

the dog has a melancholy expression

2. Causing or expressing sadness; depressing

the study makes melancholy is instructive reading


Anyone who knows me, knows that I am quite an emotional character. And this is in a time where we are taught that emotions are something to be embarrassed about. You know the rules: we should suppress it, embrace all appearance of toughness, maintain our stiff upper lip and remain stoic no matter what.

I used to subscribe to that philosophy too, until I made a life changing discovery...IT DOESN'T HELP. Disappointment and hurt are as much a part of life as joy and elation. Suppressed feelings come out sooner or later and I think the later they do the worse for you!

Deal with your problems; don't bury your head in the sand. Don't get it twisted, I'm not a fan of excessive wallowing and self-pity. Deal with your issues and move the hell on. Stop telling the world, his mother and his grandmother's best mate! Haven't you realised that the more you complain about it the less anyone cares?! Whatever it is--it shall pass.

Knowing that my melancholy spell will pass is helping to ease it already...So to anyone out there who is feeling like this--a bit blah. Just feel it, spend some quality 'me' time and SHAKE IT OFF.

Have a happy Wednsday y'all,

xXx
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Ouch!

Posted by Nsoromma...Child of the Heavens

You've been on my mind,
Your face is all I see.
But I know deep down inside,
That you don't think of me.
Inside me is a space
That I thought was made for you
But you then you back away
And punch me in my face...!
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Are You There God, It's Me Nsoromma...

Posted by Nsoromma...Child of the Heavens



Sometimes it just feels like your life has come up against a brick wall. And then the apathy takes over. I've been tryna stay upbeat and I feel like I've been doing my bit. I've been hardworking with these applications and I'm waiting on the results for these. But it's hard not to feel dejected.

I was always a good student, didn't coast overly much and applied myself to things I found difficult. Education-wise, I know I was held up at school and elsewhere as some to follow, someone to watch, someone going somewhere. This was never a goal and even though I can be annoying and stuff my ability was not something I threw in people's faces.

But here I am post-education, it doesn't seem to matter that I worked hard, scrap that I worked DAMN HARD, that I never failed at anything, that I was a good student. I'm stuck in this shitty job with (some) people who never did a hard days thinking in their lives! With (some) people who have no ambition and never excelled in their lives. WHY AM I STILL STUCK HERE?

I got a call from an agency on Monday and the woman told me I have unrealistic salary expectations. I just busted my ass getting a Master's, which by the way, is self-funded, bloody expensive and from a 'top', internationally renowned institution. And this fool is telling me I should expect a starting salary of £17,000, which is LESS than I was getting after I finished my degree. So my masters AND experience count for nothing. If I could have hit this fool through the phone....it's not like we are talking about jobs in which I had no DIRECTLY-RELATED experience...KM bloody T.

Seriously, are you there God, it's ME, Nsoromma! Get me out of here!!!
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Dear YOU...

Posted by Nsoromma...Child of the Heavens

For the first time in four years we actually spoke, REALLY spoke. For the first time in four years, your words were not like a slap in the face. For the first time in four years the conversation didn't end with me angry or in tears. It was a revelation; when you told me that I had hurt you. It wasn't soppy or cute, but one of those ones where you just kind of acknowledge that certain actions and words cut deeper than intended. I knew that, but I never thought you would say it. I actually had some insight into you. And I realised that I have missed you. Once upon a time, long long ago you were my friend, you were my rock, you were my confidant. It was like going back to the beginning, where we just spoke. There was no malice and no bitterness. You asked me things without an agenda and I answered almost freely. You gave me genuine advice and I detected no ulterior motives. If you ever read this, you'll know who you are. We were young and stupid and I'm sorry. Can we start over? I would really love to have my friend back.

Yours Sincerely,
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I Melted Inside

Posted by Nsoromma...Child of the Heavens


We only met the other day,
But you really caught my imagination.
The way you talked and moved and laughed
Really caught my attention.
Then again to look at you--
Your not the usual type.
But after fun and frolics
And MOTD 2
We really got to talking.
It was so comfortable
And real
And unaffected.
When you held me close that day
And stared in my eyes
My insides got a little soft.
I have a confession to make
You thought I'd dosed off
When you kissed my forehead--
I had not.
And I heard every word you said
You said 'shit I really like you girl
much more than I thought
you really could be it'
And you thought I was asleep.
Not so.
I heard you loud and clear
And I melted inside.
*SIGH*

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Of Links...and Celibacy

Posted by Nsoromma...Child of the Heavens
I got an issue...

An old erhmmm, friend and I recently starting talking. I got a bit silly and excitable...and, hell, I was bored. So I decided to see if I could spark up some interest in me. Sure enough three days later Rude Boy is talking about links. Now, I am a woman and I have needs blah, blah, blah...but me and dude have always been strictly friends. And I'm celibate right now (yay for me! :D) so I don't even wanna mix it up, not looking for a link. Now I know that to a certain extent I have been gassing to this dude, basically just chatting nonsense...to an extent. And I know you can't kid a kidder, and that has always been him for sure. I know Rude Boy is gassing too, but I just don't know how far...Hmmm. Problem is he really does have my attention now. And for some unknown (ok, maybe not exactly unknown) reason I informed Baby Boy of this potential new link. Now the shit has hitteth the fanneth...Someone confiscate my BB cuz the devil sure does make work for idle hands...

Life has been a bit flat recently and this is definitely interesting...
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Music: Take That

Posted by Nsoromma...Child of the Heavens
As a child I was never much of a Take That fan but when they came back all mature and smooth (minus the curtains, lol) I was transformed into a bona fide fan.

Seriously, I love them.

Now, I am blessed enough that I have a varied set of friends and am not constrained to 'black music' which is an annoying self-inflicted and idiotic mindset, but I'll save those feelings for another post. And since I'm kinna hurt and confused.com about my relationships; or lack thereof. A particular two songs are calling out to me...Patience, because I need certain people to exercise some and then Rule The World which has such a sweet message.

So enjoy.


Excerpt of Patience lyrics...
"Just have a little patience
I'm still hurting from a love I lost
I'm feeling your frustration
Any minute all the pain will stop.

Just hold me close inside your arms tonight
Don't be too hard on my emotions.

[Chorus:]
'Cause I
Need time
My heart is numb, has no feeling
So while I'm still healing
Just try and have a little patience...."


Excerpt of Rule The World lyrics...
"You light the skies, up above me
A star, so bright, you blind me, yeah
Don’t close your eyes
Don’t fade away, don’t fade away-

Oh

Yeah you and me we can ride on a star
If you stay with me girl
We can rule the world-
Yeah you and me we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side
We can rule the world-

If walls break down, I will comfort you
If angels cry, oh I’ll be there for you
You've saved my soul
Don’t leave me now, don’t leave me now ..."
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Life Check

Posted by Nsoromma...Child of the Heavens

Hey people,

Sorry that I've been M.I.A. for while I've had a huge emotional and relationship drama recently. I don't intend to give you the full long-ass painful story right here (although that doesn't mean it won't come out anyway). Just know that I actually miss my little blog world, but life has been so hard that something had to give, and virtual friends was it (sorry!).

But I'm back now, so I'll be posting here and on Life...and Living It regularly again and keeping up with my blog friends, too. However, before I go, a question:

Why is it that life never hands out to the deserving what they deserve and gives the undeserving waaaay to many chances?

To my ex, who I know doesn't read this as he doesn't know it exists(!),

I loved you soooo much that just the thought of possibly being around you filled me with joy unspeakable. No man had ever made me feel so special or opened me up so completely. I trusted you even when everyone warned me not to and offered you my soul. I'm sure people have been hurt before and that I am neither the first nor the last to feel like this. But for some reason I feel so alone, when I think of what you did I feel physically ill. I rarely get through the day without thinking of you and how worthless you made me feel. Whenever I have a happy moment, behind it are shades of misery. I take sharp intakes of breath and double over in private when I remember you. I promised you I will never forget you, and I won't. But I hope to God that something happens to take away the pain I'm living with. You treated me to a life check. You made me pause and re-evaluate my life and myself. At first it was ugly; I hated myself and was willing to do whatever it took to change myself, not to be with you because I would never have you back, but to make myself into the kind of person who would never be treated so shabbily again. I contemplated things that have never even flitted through my mind before because of you and as much as it hurt me, I thank God I did. You treated me to a life check I will never forget. I will never be that girl again because of you.

I will never again be so young, so dumb, so naive, so gullible and so damn stupid. But the life check you gave me meant that I opened myself up to my friends, my true friends and after the self hate I came to appreciate the people I have in my life. You hurting me helped them to help me count my blessings. So I don't hate me anymore, so thank you. After all the crying, and self-loathing, and man-hating, dust and sackcloth music, I thank you. To my girls: Sankofa, Afrocentric and Friday's 'Fro...thank you for your support, my sister, my cousin, Ms. Lawyerlady, Ms. Design, Foneshop Boy, Dodgy Boy, Fly-Ass Single Mamma and everyone else who helped to pick the shattered shards of my self-esteem off the floor, I thank you.

This is a painful and long-ass process but I can see the other side. Already I have made some positive changes. It's all about perspective. I am a master's holding, house-owning, smart, forward-thinking, sexy, beautiful, blessed young woman with many good years ahead of me. And you just missed out on a DAMN GOOD thing. Keep walking partner, I wish you well. As Dodgy boy said of you, you were just a squatter tryna make a permanent home out of my palace. So now, be gone!

Goodbye,

Now to the blogosphere...I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! BTW, check out my girl's blog Rantings of a Manhater. I'm sure you'll like it!
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Disappointment, and other stories

Posted by Nsoromma...Child of the Heavens

So Sunday was my boyfriend's birthday and they day I lost my mind. It's been a long time since I've been so thoroughly disappointed. I planned to spend the day with him and he told me that he would be at home all day so that was cool. Yay. I was ecstatic, as in pure euphoria. I've never been so damn happy to spend time with another human being IN MY LIFE. Like ever. Well as I say this I'm sure that I've probably felt close to this before. Really close but this was different. This was amazing, my heart was doing little running leaps and skipping every so often just thinking about this amazing quality time we were finally going to have together. My planning and preparation for this day had been in a word, crap. I mean end of the month/beginning of the month time is when all the direct debits come out and you realise that you must really get out of debt (this is not my portion, I am in the middle of sorting out my debt-free plan thanx to this blog). Nonetheless I gathered as much money (that I do not have) together as I could to try a give this boy something that shows how much I care.

At first I was gonna get him this really nice scarf (that a mate could get with a discount for me, can I get a hallelujah!), but then I realised he has something very similar. Darn it! Then I decided that I would send him a poem that I saw on Love Affair with Words which shows just how I feel sometimes when I'm with him but can't explain even half as eloquently. BTW, if you haven't please check out her blog, chick is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. Honest. Anyway, I'm running around like a headless chicken finding a beautiful frame to put this amazing poem in. Then I find it, perfect size and everything! So i'm in my happy glow when I call Afrocentric and tell her a little bit of my plans for the day and generally give her my love as she's been feeling poorly (get well soon my sugar banana!). So I had texted him earlier to say I'd call after church so I call and get no response. Ok cool. I rush home and check what I have at home to cook, oh dear, nothing. So I make a reservation at a nearby(ish) restaurant that I can (just about) afford. I'm tidying up my house and singing along to Christiana Love and Kwaku Gyasi and miss his call by about 15 minutes. I call back. No response. Ok cool, turn my music back up and continue my happy caterwauling then my mum tells me she's off to work a night shift and I'll see her tomorrow morning. So I check my clock, an hour has passed since my call back. I call again, no response. *sigh* I'm starting to get a little irritated, I hate waiting. Plus he said he had nothing doing today so what the hell?!

To cut a long-ass story short, the little prick doesn't show and doesn't call either, even though my calls continue. No longer am I just seeing what's up, by the end of the night I'm just pissed off and upset and confused. Oh and did I mentioned, I'm seriously pissed off. His ass is soo lucky he never turned his phone off or cancelled a call or full scale war would have broken out.

Now I'm not (well at least I don't think I am) an unreasonable lass, sure on your birthday you are free to do as you wish. BUT, if you say you are going to see someone then the least you can do is let them know you can't make it. And if that someone is your girlfriend then it should be a call, an apology and an explanation. In that order. And to add some context for those of you who are still insisting I am being unreasonable, read this post add to that the fact that I haven't seen him in A MONTH even though we live pretty much in the same area. Now tell me I'm being unreasonable.

Herein lays stories of disappointment, embarrassment, confusion, self-loathing, pain and anger.

I haven't explained the self-loathing have I? Well put it this way...After all of that still
I love him. Fuckeries.
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Being A Mate

Posted by Nsoromma...Child of the Heavens
Recently I have been a tad worried about the kind of friend I am. Situations and life in general have got me so that many people have been left behind and out of my life.

I read the article How to be a better friend on Deliciously Sunsational and it really set my mind to work. Am I the kind of friend I would want? I mean I'm far from perfect and striving to get there everyday but am I really doing enough? So I decided to look at what I want in a friend and see if I fit my own criteria..

1. Trustworthy - This is key...I mean who want's a friend that they can't trust. If I tell you something and I hear about it from someone else then obviously I am going to question our friendship (cue cries of 'how could she do that to me?'). It's a simple enough request but how many of us do this in reality. Sometimes we want perspective on something we have been told by our friend in order to give them better responses which is a fair point, but as a friend should you really be doing that? Other times, people use their 'friendship' with one person as gossip fodder and that can never be right.

2. Honest - I guess this goes hand in hand with being trustworthy, in that a dishonest person is never trustworthy but an honest one might be. Hmmmm...let's take a moment to ponder...A honest person can be untrustworthy??? Oh yes!! For instance I could tell you something which I would rather you didn't share but not put that stipulation on you (because I am assuming you have the common sense to know that I do not want you telling Sarah that I think her boyfriend is an ass even though he is ). When I later ask if it was you who told Sarah my view and you tell me yes then you're honest but cannot keep my business to yourself. Now before people get up in arms, I will happily say I have friends in this category. I prefer the honesty about an inability to keep your mouth shut to the staring deep into my eyes to tell me you would never do such a thing when you have. I have evidence on tape.

3. Available - Now call me needy, self-absorbed, whatever, but if you are supposed to be my friend then when I am rushed to hospital/lost my cat/broke up with my boyfriend/bored or otherwise need you, you don't just become unavailable. Hold on a sec, I'm not a brat, you have a life, I have a life and we both need to live them but the girl who never makes it out to my birthday, never come to see me in hospital and refused to hold my hand when my cat died is NOT my friend. Busy is understandable, permanently unavailable is not.

4. Supportive - Again ties in with emotional availability, I have friends who have been in different continents who have supported me through life better than those who live up the road and round the corner. Being supportive is knowing I have exams sending me an encouraging text and promising to see me for post-exams tears/drinks. The unsupportive friend demands that I come out to the rave her ex-boyfriend's, younger sister's, bestfriend's boyfriend is throwing and saying that failure to attend means the end of our friendship.

5. Brutal - Now that sounds plain wrong! But if my supposed best mate is sleeping with my man, my uncle is hitting on you or you know why my lecturer keeps failing me because my work sucks you must tell me. It's imperative and very, very scary but it has to be done. The people who have kindly and tactful told me the painful brutal truth are people who mean the world to me. Better put, the people who have withheld this kind of information are generally considered scum of the earth material.

Now do I fit these categories? True question, am I? I mean I want to be the model friend and I'd like to tell you that I am. But honestly, I don't believe that to be the case at all. I do fail at each of the stages I am afraid to say but to all myb firneds out there, old and new, I pray that I can work on this part of myself and become the best friend I can be.

Love you all,

Nsoromma...Child of the Heavens xXx

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